Even Steven

I am attempting to make somewhat of an effort to stick with this month’s focus of Relationships. I will be posting about the relationship between myself and the entire world. Ok, maybe that’s a tad extreme.  I’ll actually be indulging in writing about my relationship with basically everyone I know.

...Far more intimate than the entire world.

Since I was a young, blonde-haired, green-eyed, “don’t-go-out-past-dark-because-you’re-the-prime-target-for-kidnappers*” little girl, I've had a serious issue with getting the shorter end of the stick. It started all selfless... being more concerned with my mom being taken advantage of than myself.  (I was like, 6 and had no money so I wasn't too concerned about my cash flow dwindling.) 

Being raised my a single mom for the majority of my childhood, I learned how to be resourceful first hand. I watched her and her friends mastermind and beat the system whenever possible. Why buy napkins when you can take extra from McDonald's and bring them home?**

They had tons of schemes of their selves. Once, they combined their money and bought a washer and dryer, which was stored at our house. This meant my mom’s friends would bring their clothes, and their kid’s clothes, over to our house for my mom to do their laundry. They took turns supplying the detergent. So my mom did everyone’s laundry and bought clothes soap every third time. Um, not very fair from my perspective, today and when I was 6. Of course, I spoke my concerns to my mom and of course, being the giving person that she is, she didn't mind. She’s always been generous while I've been board line greedy. 

My selfless, look-out-for-my-mom, attitude soon transcended into constant calculations of what I owe people and what they owe me.

He drove so I’ll buy him coffee.

I paid for the first round, a random guy bought the second… she can pay for the cab home.

Because they drove to my house, I will drive us to the mall.

It’s exhausting, really.

And it’s the spirit of becoming a happier person, what this whole blog is about after all, I've made a huge effort to stop analyzing debts owed and paid between myself and the near and dear.

Besides, it all evens out in the end.... right?

Stay tuned.. –a.

*as my mom would say..
** to this day I still grab a plethora of napkins when I’m granted access to the dispenser... 

sorry i'm not sorry

And now it's November and I forgot to write my third post in October- something I've never done. I've let my posts decrease from 4 a month to 3, I've actively decided to give myself a break and only publish 1 post in September, but I've never just forgot... and yet, I did. Oh well, I'm not sorry.

This months focus is supposed to be on Relationships. I bet, back in January, when I devised The Plan I thought I would write all these great, heartfelt- epic, if you will- posts with epiphanies and "Aha moments" (Oprah shout out) about all the relationships I have encountered and experienced in my life. Or I wanted to write about improving relationships. I probably thought if I could figure out how to type my way to more functional relationships I would be a happier person. That is, after all, what this whole blog is about, right? Me becoming a happier, more content, warmer shade of blue (clam) and lesser shades green (jealousy), red (anger), and hot pink (difficult*) human. But now it is November and I don't have anything epic to write... I don't feel like soul searching and heart digging for the right words to type to convey what I think I've figured out about relationships. Besides, it changes daily and I don’t fully believe writing about it will make me any less of hot pink difficult hue. Whatever, I'm not sorry. 

I’m not sorry because this whole year I’ve been trying to stifle this piece of my persona. This piece that is difficult. This piece that probably drives people closet to me the craziest.  This piece that is............ just a piece. 

Just a piece, a part, of the whole me. 

Yeah, sometimes I get unbelievably cranky over messed up macaroni and cheese** and it spirals my mood to a darker place than I should ever allow mac n’ cheese to take me.. And sometimes it’s not fair that I navigate towards passive aggressive behavior because I’m not ready to get over whatever I'm upset about.. Sometimes I want to stay angry..

“No, nothing is wrong” and “yes, I’m fine.” 

LYING. 

But this is just a piece, this difficult streak. 

...A piece that I can’t change, or even necessarily control, but what about the other pieces? What about the one that sends random letters to friends and relatives just to say hello? Or the one that understands the cleansing of crying and will never tell you to stop, but instead will hold your hand and pour you a glass of Trader Joe’s finest 2 Buck Chuck? And the piece that admits defeat to brother Wrong before letting sister Pride walk in and win? That’s a GOLDEN piece. And there are more! The other golden pieces that have never cheated on a partner or skipped out on work unless seriously sick. And the sliver pieces, less in significance, but still a vital part of the whole! The sliver piece that is always nice to waiters, bus drivers and grocery baggers. The sliver piece that wants to continually do better... That sliver silver that believes in good tipping, second chances, and no judgements. (I say "silver" because sometimes I'm broke, somethings are unforgivable and some people.. you just can't help it.)

It’s all good stuff. 

So now, in November, less than a week before I turn the wise age of 23, I am deciding to concentrate on the whole. I am not defined by one piece- no matter it difficult, sliver, or gold. 

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*I’m not exactly sure of the creditability on that color matching personification, but it works in my head. 

** FYI: some people can taste the difference between making mac n’ cheese with almond milk opposed to regular cows milk, some people cannot. I? I am apart of the people that can.. and I can’t stand it.