Even Steven

I am attempting to make somewhat of an effort to stick with this month’s focus of Relationships. I will be posting about the relationship between myself and the entire world. Ok, maybe that’s a tad extreme.  I’ll actually be indulging in writing about my relationship with basically everyone I know.

...Far more intimate than the entire world.

Since I was a young, blonde-haired, green-eyed, “don’t-go-out-past-dark-because-you’re-the-prime-target-for-kidnappers*” little girl, I've had a serious issue with getting the shorter end of the stick. It started all selfless... being more concerned with my mom being taken advantage of than myself.  (I was like, 6 and had no money so I wasn't too concerned about my cash flow dwindling.) 

Being raised my a single mom for the majority of my childhood, I learned how to be resourceful first hand. I watched her and her friends mastermind and beat the system whenever possible. Why buy napkins when you can take extra from McDonald's and bring them home?**

They had tons of schemes of their selves. Once, they combined their money and bought a washer and dryer, which was stored at our house. This meant my mom’s friends would bring their clothes, and their kid’s clothes, over to our house for my mom to do their laundry. They took turns supplying the detergent. So my mom did everyone’s laundry and bought clothes soap every third time. Um, not very fair from my perspective, today and when I was 6. Of course, I spoke my concerns to my mom and of course, being the giving person that she is, she didn't mind. She’s always been generous while I've been board line greedy. 

My selfless, look-out-for-my-mom, attitude soon transcended into constant calculations of what I owe people and what they owe me.

He drove so I’ll buy him coffee.

I paid for the first round, a random guy bought the second… she can pay for the cab home.

Because they drove to my house, I will drive us to the mall.

It’s exhausting, really.

And it’s the spirit of becoming a happier person, what this whole blog is about after all, I've made a huge effort to stop analyzing debts owed and paid between myself and the near and dear.

Besides, it all evens out in the end.... right?

Stay tuned.. –a.

*as my mom would say..
** to this day I still grab a plethora of napkins when I’m granted access to the dispenser... 

sorry i'm not sorry

And now it's November and I forgot to write my third post in October- something I've never done. I've let my posts decrease from 4 a month to 3, I've actively decided to give myself a break and only publish 1 post in September, but I've never just forgot... and yet, I did. Oh well, I'm not sorry.

This months focus is supposed to be on Relationships. I bet, back in January, when I devised The Plan I thought I would write all these great, heartfelt- epic, if you will- posts with epiphanies and "Aha moments" (Oprah shout out) about all the relationships I have encountered and experienced in my life. Or I wanted to write about improving relationships. I probably thought if I could figure out how to type my way to more functional relationships I would be a happier person. That is, after all, what this whole blog is about, right? Me becoming a happier, more content, warmer shade of blue (clam) and lesser shades green (jealousy), red (anger), and hot pink (difficult*) human. But now it is November and I don't have anything epic to write... I don't feel like soul searching and heart digging for the right words to type to convey what I think I've figured out about relationships. Besides, it changes daily and I don’t fully believe writing about it will make me any less of hot pink difficult hue. Whatever, I'm not sorry. 

I’m not sorry because this whole year I’ve been trying to stifle this piece of my persona. This piece that is difficult. This piece that probably drives people closet to me the craziest.  This piece that is............ just a piece. 

Just a piece, a part, of the whole me. 

Yeah, sometimes I get unbelievably cranky over messed up macaroni and cheese** and it spirals my mood to a darker place than I should ever allow mac n’ cheese to take me.. And sometimes it’s not fair that I navigate towards passive aggressive behavior because I’m not ready to get over whatever I'm upset about.. Sometimes I want to stay angry..

“No, nothing is wrong” and “yes, I’m fine.” 

LYING. 

But this is just a piece, this difficult streak. 

...A piece that I can’t change, or even necessarily control, but what about the other pieces? What about the one that sends random letters to friends and relatives just to say hello? Or the one that understands the cleansing of crying and will never tell you to stop, but instead will hold your hand and pour you a glass of Trader Joe’s finest 2 Buck Chuck? And the piece that admits defeat to brother Wrong before letting sister Pride walk in and win? That’s a GOLDEN piece. And there are more! The other golden pieces that have never cheated on a partner or skipped out on work unless seriously sick. And the sliver pieces, less in significance, but still a vital part of the whole! The sliver piece that is always nice to waiters, bus drivers and grocery baggers. The sliver piece that wants to continually do better... That sliver silver that believes in good tipping, second chances, and no judgements. (I say "silver" because sometimes I'm broke, somethings are unforgivable and some people.. you just can't help it.)

It’s all good stuff. 

So now, in November, less than a week before I turn the wise age of 23, I am deciding to concentrate on the whole. I am not defined by one piece- no matter it difficult, sliver, or gold. 

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*I’m not exactly sure of the creditability on that color matching personification, but it works in my head. 

** FYI: some people can taste the difference between making mac n’ cheese with almond milk opposed to regular cows milk, some people cannot. I? I am apart of the people that can.. and I can’t stand it.

Karmas a B----

So how do I stay on her good side?

If karma is the factor in which my past actions directly determine what I deserve in the future, how do I ensure it will be one of thriving success and divine bliss?

This month I am supposed to focus on universal energy in my journey to become a happier person in 2012. I'm asking myself on a semi-regular basis what I am putting out into the world and in what form it will boomerang back to me... How do I square any negative, toxic karma floating around in the world, possibly lurking nearby my fate and potentially stalking my destiny?

So far, I've made a vow to work on my uptight attitude and control my unpleasant tone when I'm feeling irrationally irritated. I'm trying to return emails and voicemails left in and on various boxes without replies. I've seriously considered giving up meat. I saged my house the other day to free any negative energy!* I'm (still*) trying to really be there when I say I'm going to be and not flake.  I'm working on reducing my wine induced gossiping habits. I'm working on eliminating gossiping in general (as of today)!

WILL THESE SMALL, MUNDANE TASKS BRIGHTEN MY FUTURE? Can I pump enough positive into the universe that I will only receive epic goodness in return?!

Ummm.. I'm not too sure but fingers crossed!

Stay tuned.. -a.

*That's right, I prowled my entire living space with a tiny bunch of lit sage, gracefully (..almost gracefully) spreading the smoke throughout each room with a feather, my bare toes carefully avoiding the hot sparks that occasionally fell to the floor.............

*read my previous post, The Flaking Flaw

..aaannd maybe I'm physic

My foreshadowing abilities were on point back in January when I devised The Plan and dubbed this months focus to be one concentrating on Universal Energy.

It's like my
hippy dippy,
eat organic, 
plant-based, 
foods, 
go to Farmers Markets 
on Sundays,
do yoga,
believe in the 
healing 
of fresh flowers,
and
the cleansing 
of crying
side of me knew I would need to focus on the positive in my time of unemployment distress.

Almost as if I sensed the struggles of being a college graduate with NO experience would be wearying, but with persistence and constructive thoughts pumping there way into the universe, I would become successful.

...But there's this other side:

This
drink coffee everyday,
2 shots of tequila
and a glass of wine
on the weekends
or
sometimes
on a
Wednesday, 
indulge in 
Fashion Police,
Facebook stalking,
and
gossiping side of me that exists too.

I believe this side is responsible for the consuming negative energy waves associated with the constant rejection of not being hired.

WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE ME?!

These juicy, delicious dreams I had are the running risk of tapering off, dwindling down......

Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive..

But really, what job title allows my 4 year degree and 22 year life journey to be experience enough?


Stay tuned.. -a.

PS.
Contact me if you know the answer ;)

pumpkin

I usually attempt to post in my blog 2-3x a month but this months posts have dwindled down to only 1...

My initial reasoning to start writing a blog was to track and record my ongoing effort this year in becoming a happier, more content, individual. I've written a lot about myself, from my views on politics, to my never ending battle with the drunchies, to personal shortcomings... But what I haven't done, thus far, is reflect upon it all. Am I a happier, more content, person?

This months focus was supposed to be to Travel :) but guess what?! Life changed course and I didn't spend the month of September backpacking through Europe like I had planned to do way back in January when I was plotting each month's focus in my journey to become a happier human. So as it turns out, I've already completed most of my travels for the year..

From Reno to try snowboarding (which I found to be an unnatural experience.. moving forward while facing sideways...) within the 1st week of 2012 to San Diego at the end of the month to celebrate 1 year with my boyfriend (we stayed in Little Italy. heaven.on.earth). Next, only a short 3 months later, ventures to both London and New York within April. After international travels and Big Apple adventures, it was time for a Graduation/Celebration gift to Tahoe in June. Then things died down for 2 months- time to prepare for a 2 week expedition: From Cali. (home base) to Eugene, OR (organic food everywhere- love!) to Seattle, WA (birthplace of  Starbucks. represent.) to Penticton, BC (the Napa of Canada- sold.) to Vancouver, BC (my first beluga whale sighting!) back to Oregon (Portland this time) to Redding, Cal-I-For-Ni-A (picture this: flower wallpaper. zebra sheets. cheetah blankets. green carpets. you have the decor of our hotel  room in Redding. delicious.) and finally back home.

My original plans for 2012 have changed- I'm not writing this post from a internet cafe somewhere in Italy, sipping a cappuccino, I'm in my pajamas in my boyfriend's apartment (soon to be our apartment!!!) while he softly snores in bed- but it doesn't matter... Am I happier than I was at the start of 2012? I don't know... I still have 3 months to explore the topic! But I do know I'm happy and content to go crawl into bed, stop the snoring, and wake up tomorrow in October, the best 3 months of the year start tomorrow!*

Stay tuned..-a.

*Tomorrow I will be in full fall bliss. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin carving, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ANYTHING (!!), chilly weather, cozy nights cuddling, scarves and boots... these are a few of my favorite Fall things..

goodnight America

In an effort to achieve this months focus of Letting it Go, I am officially not stressing about not posting 3 complete blogs this month.

Tomorrow is the 1st, my 2 week vacay is coming to an end, and I simply haven't had the time to blog. I've been too busy eating and drinking and watching my boyfriend complete an Iron Man.

Instead of staying up too late tonight (we have to wake up early to score the best breakfast at our hotel, duh) and suffering from a combination of writers block and beer haze, I'm hitting the sheets after posting this short, non-significant blog about me letting go of the fact that I can't blog 3x this month..

GOOD NIGHT AMERICA*

Stay tuned.. -a.

*and any other countries who are reading this delicious blog ;)

pop culture politics

Disclaimer: I am not a political junkie. I rarely participate in debates about “where our country is going...” Partly because it seems like too big of conversation to ever tackle and partly because I simply don’t know much about the political state of this country. 

I do know political conversations are generally taboo. People are either a DEMOCRAT* or a REPUBLICAN.** I know that by some weird default people tend to hate, argue, disagree, and dispute with whatever the opposing party stands for.

I know I’m a fan of Obama... but, admittedly, it’s more of a pop culture infatuation than it is anything political. 

I know friends who talk about politics, complain about politics, but never take action to evoke change. Occasionally, I am guilty of this. 

I know that maybe I’m rambling and you’re probably wondering what.is.the.point, lady?

And my point, coinciding and contradicting with this months focus to Let It Go, is maybe we let it go to an extreme? We talk and talk and talk about what’s wrong but then let it go...We never do anything about it. (Forgive me for generalizing- when I say “we,” I mean the majority. I recognize some people are out there, doing something.) We have intense, heated conversations with our friends and family and then let it go. Moving on to updating our Facebook, the manipulated cyber images that define us, instead of writing letters to political figures. We go out to the bars instead of protesting. We talk without action. We let it go.

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*Peace, Love, and Rainbows

**”Amurica!”

^Am I stereotyping?