Recognition

I think it is significant to post, and recognize, how happy I already am in my day-to-day life, while getting to know thyself better in January.

I find joy in my morning coffee and a whole day of healthful eating (I also find joy in ice cream, cupcakes, and cookies.. constant contradictions, I know). Waking up in the Winter with the heater on, or a beer in my hand and Sublime playing in the background during Summer, are perfect ways to start and spend my days. I can be satisfyingly entertained for hours watching my Sex and the City (seasons 1-6) or Friends (seasons 1-10) DVDs. A clean house, new mascara, and getting compliments from my dentist for flossing everyday all leave me ecstatic. But today I recognized a major source of happiness comes from my friends.

I mean "major" like, driving down 280 wondering how I scored so many karma points in a previous life to have such amaze-ball people in this one...!

I started my day with coffee, a few travel plans, and some laughs with a "friend," but really more of a sister. This was in San Jose, where half of my life; school, boyfriend, half of my social network, are located. Then I was on 280 N, on my way to the Peninsula for a hair appointment, where the other half of my life; home, work, the other half of my social network, are located. On my drive, I recognized how happy I am to have a friend that I consider a sister.

It's no myth that a girl's hair dresser is near and dear to her heart, but my hair dresser is extra special. I've known her since I was a freshmen in high school-needless to say, she was the first person I drank, smoked, and snuck out of the house with.. But with life doing what it always seems to do, get it the way, I haven't seen her in a while. So 2 hours later, with no roots and updates on her life, I recognized for the second time in one day how happy my friends make me.

If only I had enough hours in a day to get coffee, breakfast, lunch, (more coffee?) and dinner with all of my friends everyday... while exploiting any talent they have in-between ;) ..........

I don't though, because this life keeps me busy. But it's good to recognize how happy they make my life.

Stay tuned.. -a.

Ballz to the wall

I had to ask myself how personal I wanted to get before writing this post... I mentioned in my first post that my boyfriend has yet to make me cry (we've been together a year at the end of this month, by the way) and this is still true. He is a stellar human being. But even his awesomeness and my awesomeness ;) combined do not create perfection. This is obvious. No relationship is perfect, but do I want to write about the flaws I bring to it on my Blog? Well, yes.

I've revamped "anything worth doing, is worth doing well." My version: "anything worth doing, is worth doing ballz to the wall." So, ballz to the wall, here is what happened last night:

There are times when I become completely emotionally irrational. Sadly, in these times, nothing can cure, calm, or satisfy the insanity. I have identified this happiness setback in an effort to know thyself better in January.

Boyfriends past and present have had to deal with my unsatisfiable (and maybe unjust?) disposition. Little could be done to appease my miserable mood, but I've still expected an attempt. I would prod and pry for the right combination of words to satisfy my mood. But a secret string of words to brighten my mood didn't, doesn't, exist. If I'm an unsatisfiable mood, I can't be satisfied. It's unfortunate and undesirable but I know it's a part of my reality.

So, last night, after a deeper-than-average-nighttime-conversation about our relationship, when my boyfriend told me, "I won't hurt you," and I was reassured, yes, but still deeply unsatisfied, I decided to simply believe him and go to sleep. Because that's all I could do.

My objective for beginning the conversation was unclear to me; what response was I even looking for? It's unlikely that anything he could have said would have satisfied me but I recognized this. I didn't dig for more answers that would leave me unimpressed. I recognized my mood, put things into perspective, and decided believing him when he said he wouldn't hurt me was good enough. I wasn't satisfied, I couldn't be, but it was good enough. Believing him and falling asleep were my most mature options, so I took them. Know thyself better.

Stay tuned.. -a.

The first learning

The point of my monthly life improvements is to become happier overall.. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit I was beginning to think "know thyself" wasn't the best starting point for 12 Months of Happiness in 2012. There was a sense of confusion in my last post. I didn't exactly understand how getting to know myself better could help me become happier... Until this weekend...

It started Friday morning. I was leaving for the weekend for a snowboarding adventure on man made snow with my boyfriend and our double-dating-duo friends. The plan was to embark on our travels at 1PM. I was excited to sleep in, roll out of bed, and head to Reno but instead, I was asked to drop off the kids I babysit at school. No big deal- I now had time to grab coffee with a best friend instead of staying in a mess of tangled sheets all morning.

Here is where knowing myself better gave me a chance to have a happier coffee-sipping-catch-up-sesh.

So the thing about this best friend is she takes forever to get out of the house and well, it annoys me. I become sassy and snappy when she isn't ready to go. So on Friday morning, after I dropped off the kiddos and was on my way to her house for our coffee date, I thought to myself, I know she isn't going to be ready when I get there and I know it's going to bother me. I'm just going to be sitting there, and waiting and waiting, while she is still getting ready and I'll just be sitting there, becoming more and more annoyed, and no matter how many times I tell her we have to GO, I'll still be sitting there, waiting, becoming bitter... unless (!) I decide not to.

I know myself, and I know I'll become impatient if I'm just sitting and waiting so maybe, I thought, I'll bring my book and read... except, shit, I forgot my book at home. (Note to self: bring book next time.) So with no book, but a better sense of my annoyance tolerance, I knocked on her door and was prepared to wait and not be annoyed. Turns out, Unwrapped was on the Food Network and I was perfectly content catching the last 15 minutes of their Peanut Butter Bites episode until she was ready. After, we enjoyed a pleasant drive to Starbucks, sans sassy and snappy Ashley. Overall, it was a happier experience because I got to know myself better.

I wish I could report that my epiphany of trying to change my actions and attitude when I was forced to sit and wait for other people stuck until even today (Monday) but, unfortunately, my realization was short lived. Just a few hours after coffee it was 1PM and we weren't on the road to Reno.

"Have they picked you up yet? We had to leave 10 minutes ago." I snapped at my boyfriend when it was 1:10 and I was still sitting on my bed, waiting...

They were running late. I was getting moody. I could feel myself tensing up as the minutes passed. I was stressed over hitting traffic and arriving late for dinner. I was already failing at staying in a happier state of mind...

When they eventually picked me up I was irritated. I tried to hide it, in an effort to start a 4 hour drive without tension, but only they know if I succeed... I made a minor detail of our trip a huge deal. We didn't have to leave at 1PM, that was just the time I wanted us to leave. And as it turns out, I lived. Even though we left "late." We hit minimal traffic, still went out dinner, and had an awesome weekend (minus my face first fall off the ski lift...).

Do I still need to work on trying to control my happiness when people are running a little late. Definitely. Will it always be a success? Hopefully... but probably not. However, the odds are better for a positive outcome after getting to "know thyself."

Stay tuned.. -a.

Know thyself. But...how?

How did I expect to "know thyself" better when I decided it would be my first task to conquer while becoming happier in 2012? As I sit here, 4 days into the new year, I have no idea what questions to ask, avenues to explore, or exercises to try in an effort to "know myself better."

Do I make a list of surface level personality traits I possess? My specific likes and dislikes? Habits and pet-peeves?

I like lattes, chai teas, and ice coffees from Starbucks, but mochas and hot coffee from Peet's. The previews are my favorite part of going to the movies and I enjoy the perfectly crafted combination of popcorn and a blue ice-e while watching. People always remind me to turn off my phone before the movie starts, like they all know I'm that type of person...

I don't like ihop, Denny's or any other chain breakfast restaurant. I can't stand it when people chew and/or breathe loudly. Or when people moan when they eat. We get it- it's good! You don't have to make love to your food, ok? I don't like eating the same thing twice in a day (if I have toast for breakfast, I won't have a sandwich for lunch..).

*Side note: I've talked mostly about food so far... what does this say about me?! ;)

Sometimes I have giggling attacks over things that aren't actually funny. I like the beach but I'm scared of the ocean. I'm a trashy TV addict and I don't even care if you judge me for it. I eat healthy (food talk again, maybe I'm hungry....?) but should exercise more. Big houses scare me... and the list goes on...

Do these unique (and maybe weird?) combinations of preferences and opinions make me who I am? Should I extend my list to know myself better?

Or should I dig deeper?

Do I acknowledge that I don't take criticism well? And that instead of having an infectious laugh, my bad moods are contagious? Do I analyze why I'm only "easy going" when things are going my way? Should I try to find the reasons why I'm highly emotional, easily frustrated, and sometimes overly sensitive?

And after I've created long lists of different aspects of myself, do I accept the potentially annoying personality traits as part of me? Or realize they may make me a difficult, sometimes intense, hard-to-get-along-with human being and try to change them?

What steps do I take to do the appropriate soul searching in order to become a happier person, while still embracing, accepting, but maybe altering, a few qualities?

Stay tuned.. -a.

The Plan

As previously mentioned, every month this year I am planning on concentrating on a part of my life that can be improved to amplify my happiness. Of course, having the type A personality that I do, I have already decided and charted what each month's focus will be. Are you ready for this?

Jan. - Know Thyself

Feb. - Deal w/"Food Noise"

March - Know What You Mean, Mean What You Say

April - Get Fit (Summer will be just around the corner.. jus' sayin')

May - "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Realize Who You Know

June - Why Worry?

July - Get a HOBBY

Aug. - Let.It.Goooo

Sept. - Travel :)

Oct. - Universal Energy (Yes, I believe in this iiiissh..)

Nov. - Relationships

Dec. - All of the Above

Stay tuned.. -a.

The First One

I'm already off to a rocky start... The day has slipped away from me (again). I am finally getting around to writing my first blog post of 2012. After breakfast with friends, a trip to the beach with the boyfriend, and dinner/drinks at another close friend's house, the last thing I want to be doing (maybe the last thing I should be doing after a couple glasses of champagne?) is post about my New Year's resolution of writing a blog. But I know myself, and I know I'm an extremist. If I don't blog today, January 1st 2012, I won't start it on the 2nd. I'll be forced to wait an entire year to start a blog again. So, here it goes...

I began writing in my first notebook during my first "relationship" (are they considered relationships in the 8th grade?). That was 10 years ago. Since then I've had numerous different brightly colored notebooks documenting my heartaches and heartbreaks. It seems for the past 10 years I've filled page after page with sad stories and self-realizations about how most guys suck. My main source of inspiration to write has been sadness caused by dumb ass guys who made me cry. Pathetic, or what?

Times have changed. I am currently in a happy, functional relationship with a happy, functional guy. He has never made me cry. He has never made me cry so he has never made me write. I don't have any passionate words messily written down in a notebook in between fury and sobs. I've run out of guy-sorrows so I've run out of words. I've stopped writing at 2 in the morning, my pen trying to keep up with my thoughts, because my source of sadness has been tapped out. I'm happy.

I'm happy and I've decided to write about it. Sadness, sorrows, and silly boys can't be my only muse to create, to write. I will be starting my own Happiness Project (read The Happiness Project written by Gretchen Rubin for more detail). For 11 months I will work on an element of my life that I believe can bring me more happiness with a little improvement. During December, the last month of the year, I will attempt to combine all 11 improved perspectives. The year, and my blog, starts with my attempt to get to know myself better.

Stay tuned.. -a.