Ballz to the wall

I had to ask myself how personal I wanted to get before writing this post... I mentioned in my first post that my boyfriend has yet to make me cry (we've been together a year at the end of this month, by the way) and this is still true. He is a stellar human being. But even his awesomeness and my awesomeness ;) combined do not create perfection. This is obvious. No relationship is perfect, but do I want to write about the flaws I bring to it on my Blog? Well, yes.

I've revamped "anything worth doing, is worth doing well." My version: "anything worth doing, is worth doing ballz to the wall." So, ballz to the wall, here is what happened last night:

There are times when I become completely emotionally irrational. Sadly, in these times, nothing can cure, calm, or satisfy the insanity. I have identified this happiness setback in an effort to know thyself better in January.

Boyfriends past and present have had to deal with my unsatisfiable (and maybe unjust?) disposition. Little could be done to appease my miserable mood, but I've still expected an attempt. I would prod and pry for the right combination of words to satisfy my mood. But a secret string of words to brighten my mood didn't, doesn't, exist. If I'm an unsatisfiable mood, I can't be satisfied. It's unfortunate and undesirable but I know it's a part of my reality.

So, last night, after a deeper-than-average-nighttime-conversation about our relationship, when my boyfriend told me, "I won't hurt you," and I was reassured, yes, but still deeply unsatisfied, I decided to simply believe him and go to sleep. Because that's all I could do.

My objective for beginning the conversation was unclear to me; what response was I even looking for? It's unlikely that anything he could have said would have satisfied me but I recognized this. I didn't dig for more answers that would leave me unimpressed. I recognized my mood, put things into perspective, and decided believing him when he said he wouldn't hurt me was good enough. I wasn't satisfied, I couldn't be, but it was good enough. Believing him and falling asleep were my most mature options, so I took them. Know thyself better.

Stay tuned.. -a.

The First One

I'm already off to a rocky start... The day has slipped away from me (again). I am finally getting around to writing my first blog post of 2012. After breakfast with friends, a trip to the beach with the boyfriend, and dinner/drinks at another close friend's house, the last thing I want to be doing (maybe the last thing I should be doing after a couple glasses of champagne?) is post about my New Year's resolution of writing a blog. But I know myself, and I know I'm an extremist. If I don't blog today, January 1st 2012, I won't start it on the 2nd. I'll be forced to wait an entire year to start a blog again. So, here it goes...

I began writing in my first notebook during my first "relationship" (are they considered relationships in the 8th grade?). That was 10 years ago. Since then I've had numerous different brightly colored notebooks documenting my heartaches and heartbreaks. It seems for the past 10 years I've filled page after page with sad stories and self-realizations about how most guys suck. My main source of inspiration to write has been sadness caused by dumb ass guys who made me cry. Pathetic, or what?

Times have changed. I am currently in a happy, functional relationship with a happy, functional guy. He has never made me cry. He has never made me cry so he has never made me write. I don't have any passionate words messily written down in a notebook in between fury and sobs. I've run out of guy-sorrows so I've run out of words. I've stopped writing at 2 in the morning, my pen trying to keep up with my thoughts, because my source of sadness has been tapped out. I'm happy.

I'm happy and I've decided to write about it. Sadness, sorrows, and silly boys can't be my only muse to create, to write. I will be starting my own Happiness Project (read The Happiness Project written by Gretchen Rubin for more detail). For 11 months I will work on an element of my life that I believe can bring me more happiness with a little improvement. During December, the last month of the year, I will attempt to combine all 11 improved perspectives. The year, and my blog, starts with my attempt to get to know myself better.

Stay tuned.. -a.