stop admitting your an asshole

I've encountered different personalities in my sporadic life, from million dollar babysitting clients to drunk girls in bar bathrooms. I can handle, even get along with, most people I meet. There may be minor differences but rarely anything that makes me question their identity or worry* about their existence on earth... unless you're the self-proclaimed "stubborn" type.

Except if you've been isolated from everyday society, you're stubborn. All American?** people are stubborn because we’re all difficult. No of us want to do something we don’t.want.to do or to be proven wrong. We are determined to do things our way, the right way. It's ingrained in our social existence to be the “special,” stubborn, self-worthy creatures that we are. 

Don’t pretend like you’re not one of these people, because you are. I am. Everyone is. Since birth we’re bombarded with this magical idea that we’re rare and worthy. We’re taught to be entitled and we fall for it, believe it, and live it.

Oh, American baby, so cute, so precious. SO ORIGINAL!!! 

...Just like everyone else.

Being stubborn in it of itself is slightly annoying, but whatever, the stubbornness aspect isn’t the personality trait that worries me. Besides, we're all stubborn biatches, remember? It is the questionable character who reps being a “stubborn” individual aka an asshole that seriously irks me out...

By definition to be stubborn is to be difficult. WHY ARE YOU BE PROUD OF BEING DIFFICULT?!?!?!?!?

You freak.

There's the girl in the dysfunctional relationship, "he won't call me back because he's just as stubborn as I am.  I'm suppppperrr stubborn." You're an annoying, difficult individual.  

There's the bro-dude, "I'm stubborn so I don't do anything  I don't want to do." You're a cocky, difficult deadbeat. 

If you are a self proclaimed "stubborn" piece of work, PLEASE stop. Stop being proud of being stubborn. Stop using it as a personality strength. Everyone is stubborn. You're not special. And, hello, it's not even a good trait. 

PLEASE STOP ADMITTING YOUR AN ASSHOLE!

Thx.

Stay tuned.. -a 

*This months focus, remember? Admittedly this post is loosely related but continue reading anyway.

**Maybe other countries have other worrisome personality traits and don’t deal with self-proclaimed “stubborn” assholes? I don’t know because I’ve spent the last 22 years here, not there.

worrier

Reflecting on my everyday life, and this months focus Why Worry?, I realize I worry all the FREAKIN' time! It's consuming, draining, and probably a form of OCD... but I can't cure it! My thoughts creep to horrible places if I let them, and sometimes even if I try to stop them they still claim victory. 

Those stealth little suckers..

I've had troubles falling asleep my entire life. "Stop thinking Ashley and go.to.SLEEP" my mom would say on the 3rd, 4th, 5th time she would check on me. 

It still haunts me. I can't fall asleep without a solid 20 minute think/worry sesh. And now, with a little "life experience" and a lot of late-night-how-fucked-up-is-our-world-really?-news watching, worrying has crept it's way into my thoughts before bed and intertwined itself into my everyday existence. 

If I need to talk to someone and they don't answer their phone, I freak. In reality, my loved ones are probably being functional human beings and don't need their phone attached to them every.second.of.the.day* but my mind wonders to the dark places if their phone rings its way to voicemail too many times. I have obsessively called my grandparents in the late hours of the night until they answer, just so I know they are safely tucked in bed (despite the fact that I abruptly woke them from their slumbers with my consistent phone calls).

"Sorry I woke you. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE SAFE! &Now that I've talked to you and you're awake......... I can finally sleep. Goodnight." 

Word to the wise: don't ignore me if you want to be left alone. 

I'll keep calling.

I'll be worried about you.. so ANSWER your phone and let me know that you are OKAY!** 

Also, remember to always have enough gas in your car to get home because what if there is a disaster and you have to make it home to your family (you do have a meeting place established for all fam members in case such an event occurs, right?! And an out of area contact you'll all call to assure everyone of your survival!) but you run out of gas half way to your designated meeting area and there are riots breaking out and you don't have enough gas...... You have to have enough gas.. And water! Don't forget about that precious H20 that will be the first thing people start killing over. HAVE SPARE WATER! And a land line! So you can call your out of area contact when the disaster hits because all cell phones will be obsolete and you have to assure people, your people, of your survival...

..or they'll worry..

Orrrr will everything be okay, weather you worry or have the impeccable power not to?

Does worrying ward off the dreadful woes of life? Is it a special pass that allows you to sneak through the lows life brings you unharmed and unfazed? Like if you concentrate all your energy worrying, somehow The Universe will divert disaster for you? Because you've suffered enough. You're a worrier after all...

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*I am not one of these.. I love my phone. It makes me a better, smarter individual. 

**Are you creeped out?

Girl Strong

Half way through the year and I am still blogging. Yes, my posts have slipped from the original 4 a month to only 3 but at least it is better than 2? This month’s focus is Why Worry? I think when I devised “The Plan” containing each months focus back in January, I assumed I would be stressed/ teetering on the break of depression due to my non-existent life plan/ a little worried about what comes next? What to do when one (finally) graduates college? What identify shifts have taken place during your expensive 4 (in my case, 5) year college experience?

Well, here I sit, a graduate; and though there may be some lurking fears of what my next move in life should be, I know I’m definitely not worried about my identity. A huge part of that identity: being a girl.

I’m not worried about being a girl in the “real world”. I’ve learned how powerful, magical, and downright awesome it is to be a girl. In fact, I love being a girl.

I love that I can feel things openly and honestly. I don’t have to hide behind a society driven, gender based idea that showing emotion is a sign of “weakness.” Wait, what? Showing emotion, to me, is a sign of humanness and I’m down with the human thing.  Maybe I’m ahead of the times?

I love that I can cry.

I love that my mom never told me to hold my tears, but the opposite; to let them all out. To let every consuming, frustrating emotion out in the form of tears because if not, they can turn toxic, kept in, locked up, wrapped within, suffocating inside you.

I love my boney shoulders and my thighs THAT TOUCH more every day because they are my own interpretation of the beautiful female body.

I love that I have the independence to take care of myself but the trust to confine in a boyfriend who helps. A boyfriend who brings out the best in me (most days..) but deals with the worst.

I love that I have the confidence to admit I have bad days and the vitality to know that’s okay.

And that it’s okay not to hide the fun parts of being a girl. So what if I take longer to get ready? Look at my long fluttering eye lashes, that I applied at least 4 different types of mascara to, and swoon. I love it. I love my too-high heels and red lipstick on Girls Night Out. I love my long hair that some people admire and others hate. It’s okay to love things that make you girly.

And it’s also okay that I will never be able to run as fast, swim as hard, or lift as much as the average guy. It is okay because I’m not worried about being a girl, remember?

Being a girl gives me my own strengths. Strengths that I am not worried about ever becoming irrelevant or unnecessary. Actually I think the opposite will happen. I’m not worried that Girl Strengths won’t, one day, be recognized for the vital human attributes that they are.*

Stay Girl Strong.                                                                                                                                                  Stay tuned.. –a.

*& I’m down with the human thing, remember? ;)