Beginners Luck

After my interview this morning, I made a deal as I was getting on the train that I would only allow a specific amount of time to feel vaguely incompetent and on the brink of tears. I allotted the ride and the bitterly cold walk home to be my window of self-pity. I would not exceed my time. I would not fill my day with distracting negative thoughts of the (it seems) failure my job search has been thus far...

But a short nap, 2 cups of peppermint tea, and a clean kitchen later, it's still with me. I'm still feeling the lingering depressed feelings I promised to leave outside with the cold and I can't help but wonder if I experienced a bit of beginners luck?

I transferred from my community college to San Jose State University relatively easily. I applied to SJSU and SFSU, got into both, and picked San Jose for the better weather. I started the last stretch of earning my degree on a warm August day in 2010. I got into all my classes, never being wait-listed, never having to beg instructors for a spot in their class. I passed every class. I was recognized for my "exemplary academic achievement" multiple times. I was going to be successful.

....Right?

I scored an (paid) internship at a local, well-known non-profit during my last semester. I graduated! I started another (paid) internship while still completing my first one. I was busy. I was on my way. The free coffee? only a bonus. This is what successful people were made of; double internships, planning a huge fundraiser for one and supporting two departments in the other.

And then it was over.

So, I started another internship (yes, paid again).

Three internships perfectly arranged on my resume with matching fonts and bullet points. My name and phone number bolded at the top. A list of accomplishments that make me "special."

"You have to stand out, Ashley" They tell me.

"Why are you the perfect candidate, Ashley?" They ask me.

I'm the perfect candidate because I followed the outlined "life" steps! I went to college and got a degree like everyone has been telling me to do since I learned to spell my own name. I have experience through my internships, all three of them! I got good grades, and letters of recognition, and kind comments on the borders of my essays! I even received an award once, Best Leadership. Want me to bring it in? I have it, I can show you! ....

"Three words to describe you; go."

Three words that describe me, um, let's see; jobless, almost hopeless, and eager. Wait! Hold on, let me figure out how to twist that response into something more appropriate.................

"Why are you interested in our company?"

I'm interested in your company because you came up in my search result: "WHO'S HIRING?"

"Do you have any questions for us?"

Well, yes.. yes, I do. WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN ME?! Look at my polished resume that I've edited 100 times and my perfect 2 inch professional heels. Doesn't my10 minute early arrival already demonstrate my golden work ethic? And all those examples I gave you of overcoming challenges and dealing with deadlines, good stuff right?

Oh, okay, you or someone in HR will get back to me with the next steps in the hiring process? If you think I'm a good fit? Alright, great, thanks. Thanks for your time.

I'll be waiting to hear back.

Stay tuned.. -a.