They know me

Its sad to think of my lost contact with friends over the years. Friends who knew me so deeply that such a connection can only exist through spending significant amounts of time together. Friends whose lives were intertwined with mine, our daily schedules affecting each others routines. Friends who recognized small things I didn't even realize about myself. Like the (annoying) sipping sound I make EVERY TIME after I sip a Jamba Juice. Or that I always leave shreds of cotton balls in my Vaseline from taking off my makeup. And that I scoot down to the bottom of the bed mid sleep, waking up near my friends feet instead of her head.

Some of these lost connected friends know beauty secrets and products you couldn't pay me to dish about. But they know. They know because they used to get ready with me every weekend.

They know I talk in my sleep and can have a stubborn streak. They know all the boys who've made me cry and the inside jokes that make me laugh. They've heard my stories and know my habits. Parts of my life have been sewed with theirs. We share our own collection of tales from the past but rarely see each other in the present.

One friend who moved away knows about "The Monsters" because she was there with me on my 19th birthday when I had a horrible case and we dubbed it that. That horrible feeling when your nervous and anxious and shaky and you can't really figure out why. It almost feels like butterflies.. But then you realize they must be butterflies on crack or some shit because you're tweaking out.. These are "The Monsters." ...Maybe you still don't even understand what they are but whenever I get a dreaded case of The Monsters, I text this friend, thousands of miles away, and she knows. She still knows.

So even though I flake all the time and it's still a work in progress for me to know what I mean and to mean what I say... even though I've lost touch with these people who used to be my people because of location, or simply because of time, they still know.

Stay tuned.. -a.

Reasons it is Okay to Flake

Flaking hasn't been much of a concern lately but maybe that's because I've been too busy to make many plans. Or maybe I am learning to know what I mean and mean what I say.

A few Fridays ago I invited a friend, who I haven't seen in months due to both of our flaky habits, out for a night of bar hopping. It started to rain later in the day and being tipsy on heels in wet weather never sounds too appealing to me so I decided to change plans. Moment of growth: I remembered to tell him I wasn't going out before he called me asking what time I would be ready.

More growth: I made dinner plans last Wednesday but really thought about how high the possibility of me bailing was before I committed. It was low. Wednesday rolled around and I followed through. I even cooked for the event! Turns out quinoa pizza bites aren't as delicious as real pizza but the first batch was passable and the second was almost considered good. (Tip for the inexperienced chef like myself, extra cheese makes everything better.) After dinner we ventured to the hot tub armed with cold beers.

Possible setback: The bad weather continued and so did my lack of motivation to go out. Last Saturday I had to babysit but made plans to stop by a birthday bash when I got off. I ended up getting off later than I was supposed to and it was stormy out. I didn't make it to the birthday party. Is bad weather an excuse for an absence?

This makes me wonder, what does qualify as a legitimate reason to cancel?

My rationale for Reasons it is Okay to Flake are as follows:

1. The weather sucks

2. I have an essay due on Monday and didn't read the required length... now I have 2 days (instead of the 2 weeks my professor gave me) to write 10 pages.

3. Pretty much anything family related. Sorry friends..

4. I have an opportunity to make money aka babysit.

5. Something better came up. (Kidding! I'm not the shameless..)

6. I don't want to drive.

7. Being in bed just sounds better.

8. I don't actually like you that much and I agreed because I felt corned.

9. I was drunk when we made plans.

10. There is a marathon of reality TV deliciousness on.

My justification for flaking are, admittedly, pretty loose but remember I am really trying to know what I mean and mean what I say so I'm not tempted to bail.

Stay tuned.. -a.

And the winner is...

& I just flaked.. again.

I'm flaking on dinner with friends tomorrow night, I flaked on movie night yesterday and I'm flaking on day drinking in celebration St. Patrick's Day this Saturday! This weeks constant cancellations aren't because I don't feel like going out but because I'm choosing to work. I babysit to make money. I make my own hours so they can be random and last minute at times. They can also collide with social plans I already have and then I'm left with a choice, work or play?

I wish I could take 100% pride in choosing work most of the time* but the fact is I don't know if I'm always making the right choice. Yes, I need to make money and yes, I make money by providing a service that is unpredictable (I can have four babysitting jobs in a single day or have zero for four weeks..) but is it a valid excuse for disregarding my social commitments? Is it okay for babysitting jobs to be written in pen while dinners, movies, and coffee dates with friends are written in pencil, easily eared with the name of a child and a corresponding time inked in its place?

I struggle in finding the balance between making money while babysitting and spending time with friends. Work vs. play. Survival vs. sanity. Both equally vital to life, so why does work always win?

Stay tuned.. -a.

*read: all of the time... unless I'm out of town or it's some one's birthday.

The Flaking Flaw

March. Know What You Mean, Mean What You Say.

My name is Ashley, and I'm a flake.

Copious amounts of stress will be lifted from my life if I can master this months resolution. I have a nasty little habit of making plans without really committing to them. If you are a close friend, or even an acquaintance, I've probably made plans with you and then flaked on you.

It's not that I mean to be a flaky friend. It's just with the combination of my inability to say no to social events and my contradicting home-body persona, the end result, more often than not, is a cancellation. I let my excitement get the better of me and agree to every.plan.ever. In the moment, I want to do it. I want to do it all! But fast forward a week, a day, or sometimes even an hour, and my excitement has drained. Next thing I know I'm dialing and praying for voicemail to inform the victim of my reckless planning habits that I can't* go out.

It's becoming tiresome for me, and I'm sure annoying for my friends, so this month I will learn how to know what I mean, and mean what I say. I won't let my enthusiasm for future events sway me if I'm not 100% sure it sounds better than staying in bed and watching Bethenny, Newlyweds (remember Nick and Jessica?!), Jersey Shore, or any other reality TV on DVD I own. I will commit to keeping plans instead of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Stay tuned.. -a.

*Read, don't want to