It's 2013 and my 12 Months of Happiness in 2012 blog/project is over. So I guess the big question is am I a happier person?
To recap; in 2012 I tried to know thyself better, dealt with my "food noise" (which included my battle with the drunchies), worked on my flaking flaw, attempted to find motivation to work out during a particular long lazy spell, dealt with the stress of graduating college without a perfectly packaged career waiting for me after crossing the stage, faced rejection after many interviews, traveled and laughed and danced and cried and ate and drank my way through 2012.
It's been an adventure, as every year is.
I moved in with my boyfriend. I turned 23. I made new friends and sadly, haven't kept in touch with old friends. I wrote in this blog (at least once a month) for the entire year. I visited San Diego, Reno, LONDON, NEW YORK, Tahoe, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver and Toronto. I learned about becoming a vegan and tip-toed around attempting vegetarianism. As mentioned, I graduate college. And as mentioned, I experienced harsh rejection, which has lead me to my most happiest conclusion....
After remaining undecided on a career path and unemployed for the last portion of 2012, I've decided to pursue my dream of writing a book. I will be working on it every weekend from now until June, when it is expected to be completed.
Thanks to everyone and anyone who has read my blog this year! Especially Shelby for "liking" every post.
Oxo, -a
PS.
Stay tuned for my NEW BLOG this year, The Logical Mind vs. The Emotional Girlfriend, that I will be co-writing with my (oh, so logical) boyfriend...!
PPS.
It was all a joke... I was already a happy person pre-2012 ;)
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Beginners Luck
After my interview this morning, I made a deal as I was getting on the train that I would only allow a specific amount of time to feel vaguely incompetent and on the brink of tears. I allotted the ride and the bitterly cold walk home to be my window of self-pity. I would not exceed my time. I would not fill my day with distracting negative thoughts of the (it seems) failure my job search has been thus far...
But a short nap, 2 cups of peppermint tea, and a clean kitchen later, it's still with me. I'm still feeling the lingering depressed feelings I promised to leave outside with the cold and I can't help but wonder if I experienced a bit of beginners luck?
I transferred from my community college to San Jose State University relatively easily. I applied to SJSU and SFSU, got into both, and picked San Jose for the better weather. I started the last stretch of earning my degree on a warm August day in 2010. I got into all my classes, never being wait-listed, never having to beg instructors for a spot in their class. I passed every class. I was recognized for my "exemplary academic achievement" multiple times. I was going to be successful.
....Right?
I scored an (paid) internship at a local, well-known non-profit during my last semester. I graduated! I started another (paid) internship while still completing my first one. I was busy. I was on my way. The free coffee? only a bonus. This is what successful people were made of; double internships, planning a huge fundraiser for one and supporting two departments in the other.
And then it was over.
So, I started another internship (yes, paid again).
Three internships perfectly arranged on my resume with matching fonts and bullet points. My name and phone number bolded at the top. A list of accomplishments that make me "special."
"You have to stand out, Ashley" They tell me.
"Why are you the perfect candidate, Ashley?" They ask me.
I'm the perfect candidate because I followed the outlined "life" steps! I went to college and got a degree like everyone has been telling me to do since I learned to spell my own name. I have experience through my internships, all three of them! I got good grades, and letters of recognition, and kind comments on the borders of my essays! I even received an award once, Best Leadership. Want me to bring it in? I have it, I can show you! ....
"Three words to describe you; go."
Three words that describe me, um, let's see; jobless, almost hopeless, and eager. Wait! Hold on, let me figure out how to twist that response into something more appropriate.................
"Why are you interested in our company?"
I'm interested in your company because you came up in my search result: "WHO'S HIRING?"
"Do you have any questions for us?"
Well, yes.. yes, I do. WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN ME?! Look at my polished resume that I've edited 100 times and my perfect 2 inch professional heels. Doesn't my10 minute early arrival already demonstrate my golden work ethic? And all those examples I gave you of overcoming challenges and dealing with deadlines, good stuff right?
Oh, okay, you or someone in HR will get back to me with the next steps in the hiring process? If you think I'm a good fit? Alright, great, thanks. Thanks for your time.
I'll be waiting to hear back.
Stay tuned.. -a.
But a short nap, 2 cups of peppermint tea, and a clean kitchen later, it's still with me. I'm still feeling the lingering depressed feelings I promised to leave outside with the cold and I can't help but wonder if I experienced a bit of beginners luck?
I transferred from my community college to San Jose State University relatively easily. I applied to SJSU and SFSU, got into both, and picked San Jose for the better weather. I started the last stretch of earning my degree on a warm August day in 2010. I got into all my classes, never being wait-listed, never having to beg instructors for a spot in their class. I passed every class. I was recognized for my "exemplary academic achievement" multiple times. I was going to be successful.
....Right?
I scored an (paid) internship at a local, well-known non-profit during my last semester. I graduated! I started another (paid) internship while still completing my first one. I was busy. I was on my way. The free coffee? only a bonus. This is what successful people were made of; double internships, planning a huge fundraiser for one and supporting two departments in the other.
And then it was over.
So, I started another internship (yes, paid again).
Three internships perfectly arranged on my resume with matching fonts and bullet points. My name and phone number bolded at the top. A list of accomplishments that make me "special."
"You have to stand out, Ashley" They tell me.
"Why are you the perfect candidate, Ashley?" They ask me.
I'm the perfect candidate because I followed the outlined "life" steps! I went to college and got a degree like everyone has been telling me to do since I learned to spell my own name. I have experience through my internships, all three of them! I got good grades, and letters of recognition, and kind comments on the borders of my essays! I even received an award once, Best Leadership. Want me to bring it in? I have it, I can show you! ....
"Three words to describe you; go."
Three words that describe me, um, let's see; jobless, almost hopeless, and eager. Wait! Hold on, let me figure out how to twist that response into something more appropriate.................
"Why are you interested in our company?"
I'm interested in your company because you came up in my search result: "WHO'S HIRING?"
"Do you have any questions for us?"
Well, yes.. yes, I do. WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN ME?! Look at my polished resume that I've edited 100 times and my perfect 2 inch professional heels. Doesn't my10 minute early arrival already demonstrate my golden work ethic? And all those examples I gave you of overcoming challenges and dealing with deadlines, good stuff right?
Oh, okay, you or someone in HR will get back to me with the next steps in the hiring process? If you think I'm a good fit? Alright, great, thanks. Thanks for your time.
I'll be waiting to hear back.
Stay tuned.. -a.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Even Steven
I am attempting to make somewhat of an effort
to stick with this month’s focus of Relationships.
I will be posting about the relationship
between myself and the entire world. Ok, maybe that’s a tad extreme. I’ll actually be indulging in
writing about my relationship with
basically everyone I know.
Since I was a young, blonde-haired, green-eyed, “don’t-go-out-past-dark-
They had tons of schemes of their selves. Once, they combined their money and bought a washer and dryer, which was stored at our house. This meant my mom’s friends would bring their clothes, and their kid’s clothes, over to our house for my mom to do their laundry. They took turns supplying the detergent. So my mom did everyone’s laundry and bought clothes soap every third time. Um, not very fair from my perspective, today and when I was 6. Of course, I spoke my concerns to my mom and of course, being the giving person that she is, she didn't mind. She’s always been generous while I've been board line greedy.
My selfless, look-out-for-my-mom, attitude soon transcended into constant calculations of what I owe people and what they owe me.
*as my mom would say..
** to this day I still grab a plethora of napkins when I’m granted access to the dispenser...
...Far more intimate than the entire world.
Since I was a young, blonde-haired, green-eyed, “don’t-go-out-past-dark-
Being raised my a single mom for the majority of my childhood, I
learned how to be resourceful
first hand. I watched her and her friends mastermind and beat the system whenever possible. Why buy napkins
when you can take extra from McDonald's and bring them home?**
My selfless, look-out-for-my-mom, attitude soon transcended into constant calculations of what I owe people and what they owe me.
He drove so I’ll
buy him coffee.
I paid for the
first round, a random guy bought the second… she can pay for the cab home.
Because they drove
to my house, I will drive us to the mall.
It’s exhausting, really.
And it’s the spirit of becoming a happier person, what this
whole blog is about after all, I've made a huge effort to stop analyzing debts
owed and paid between myself and the near and dear.
Besides, it all evens out in the end.... right?
Stay tuned.. –a.
*as my mom would say..
** to this day I still grab a plethora of napkins when I’m granted access to the dispenser...
Friday, November 2, 2012
sorry i'm not sorry
And now it's November and I forgot to write my third post in October- something I've never done. I've let my posts decrease from 4 a month to 3, I've actively decided to give myself a break and only publish 1 post in September, but I've never just forgot... and yet, I did. Oh well, I'm not sorry.
This months focus is supposed to be on Relationships. I bet, back in January, when I devised The Plan I thought I would write all these great, heartfelt- epic, if you will- posts with epiphanies and "Aha moments" (Oprah shout out) about all the relationships I have encountered and experienced in my life. Or I wanted to write about improving relationships. I probably thought if I could figure out how to type my way to more functional relationships I would be a happier person. That is, after all, what this whole blog is about, right? Me becoming a happier, more content, warmer shade of blue (clam) and lesser shades green (jealousy), red (anger), and hot pink (difficult*) human. But now it is November and I don't have anything epic to write... I don't feel like soul searching and heart digging for the right words to type to convey what I think I've figured out about relationships. Besides, it changes daily and I don’t fully believe writing about it will make me any less of hot pink difficult hue. Whatever, I'm not sorry.
I’m not sorry because this whole year I’ve been trying to stifle this piece of my persona. This piece that is difficult. This piece that probably drives people closet to me the craziest. This piece that is............ just a piece.
Just a piece, a part, of the whole me.
Yeah, sometimes I get unbelievably cranky over messed up macaroni and cheese** and it spirals my mood to a darker place than I should ever allow mac n’ cheese to take me.. And sometimes it’s not fair that I navigate towards passive aggressive behavior because I’m not ready to get over whatever I'm upset about.. Sometimes I want to stay angry..
“No, nothing is wrong” and “yes, I’m fine.”
LYING.
But this is just a piece, this difficult streak.
...A piece that I can’t change, or even necessarily control, but what about the other pieces? What about the one that sends random letters to friends and relatives just to say hello? Or the one that understands the cleansing of crying and will never tell you to stop, but instead will hold your hand and pour you a glass of Trader Joe’s finest 2 Buck Chuck? And the piece that admits defeat to brother Wrong before letting sister Pride walk in and win? That’s a GOLDEN piece. And there are more! The other golden pieces that have never cheated on a partner or skipped out on work unless seriously sick. And the sliver pieces, less in significance, but still a vital part of the whole! The sliver piece that is always nice to waiters, bus drivers and grocery baggers. The sliver piece that wants to continually do better... That sliver silver that believes in good tipping, second chances, and no judgements. (I say "silver" because sometimes I'm broke, somethings are unforgivable and some people.. you just can't help it.)
It’s all good stuff.
So now, in November, less than a week before I turn the wise age of 23, I am deciding to concentrate on the whole. I am not defined by one piece- no matter it difficult, sliver, or gold.
Stay tuned.. -a.
*I’m not exactly sure of the creditability on that color matching personification, but it works in my head.
** FYI: some people can taste the difference between making mac n’ cheese with almond milk opposed to regular cows milk, some people cannot. I? I am apart of the people that can.. and I can’t stand it.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Karmas a B----
So how do I stay on her good side?
If karma is the factor in which my past actions directly determine what I deserve in the future, how do I ensure it will be one of thriving success and divine bliss?
This month I am supposed to focus on universal energy in my journey to become a happier person in 2012. I'm asking myself on a semi-regular basis what I am putting out into the world and in what form it will boomerang back to me... How do I square any negative, toxic karma floating around in the world, possibly lurking nearby my fate and potentially stalking my destiny?
So far, I've made a vow to work on my uptight attitude and control my unpleasant tone when I'm feeling irrationally irritated. I'm trying to return emails and voicemails left in and on various boxes without replies. I've seriously considered giving up meat. I saged my house the other day to free any negative energy!* I'm (still*) trying to really be there when I say I'm going to be and not flake. I'm working on reducing my wine induced gossiping habits. I'm working on eliminating gossiping in general (as of today)!
WILL THESE SMALL, MUNDANE TASKS BRIGHTEN MY FUTURE? Can I pump enough positive into the universe that I will only receive epic goodness in return?!
Ummm.. I'm not too sure but fingers crossed!
Stay tuned.. -a.
*That's right, I prowled my entire living space with a tiny bunch of lit sage, gracefully (..almost gracefully) spreading the smoke throughout each room with a feather, my bare toes carefully avoiding the hot sparks that occasionally fell to the floor.............
*read my previous post, The Flaking Flaw
If karma is the factor in which my past actions directly determine what I deserve in the future, how do I ensure it will be one of thriving success and divine bliss?
This month I am supposed to focus on universal energy in my journey to become a happier person in 2012. I'm asking myself on a semi-regular basis what I am putting out into the world and in what form it will boomerang back to me... How do I square any negative, toxic karma floating around in the world, possibly lurking nearby my fate and potentially stalking my destiny?
So far, I've made a vow to work on my uptight attitude and control my unpleasant tone when I'm feeling irrationally irritated. I'm trying to return emails and voicemails left in and on various boxes without replies. I've seriously considered giving up meat. I saged my house the other day to free any negative energy!* I'm (still*) trying to really be there when I say I'm going to be and not flake. I'm working on reducing my wine induced gossiping habits. I'm working on eliminating gossiping in general (as of today)!
WILL THESE SMALL, MUNDANE TASKS BRIGHTEN MY FUTURE? Can I pump enough positive into the universe that I will only receive epic goodness in return?!
Ummm.. I'm not too sure but fingers crossed!
Stay tuned.. -a.
*That's right, I prowled my entire living space with a tiny bunch of lit sage, gracefully (..almost gracefully) spreading the smoke throughout each room with a feather, my bare toes carefully avoiding the hot sparks that occasionally fell to the floor.............
*read my previous post, The Flaking Flaw
Monday, October 8, 2012
..aaannd maybe I'm physic
My foreshadowing abilities were on point back in January when I devised The Plan and dubbed this months focus to be one concentrating on Universal Energy.
It's like my
hippy dippy,
eat organic,
plant-based,
foods,
go to Farmers Markets
on Sundays,
do yoga,
believe in the
healing
of fresh flowers,
and
the cleansing
of crying
side of me knew I would need to focus on the positive in my time of unemployment distress.
Almost as if I sensed the struggles of being a college graduate with NO experience would be wearying, but with persistence and constructive thoughts pumping there way into the universe, I would become successful.
...But there's this other side:
This
drink coffee everyday,
2 shots of tequila
and a glass of wine
on the weekends
or
sometimes
on a
Wednesday,
indulge in
Fashion Police,
Facebook stalking,
and
gossiping side of me that exists too.
I believe this side is responsible for the consuming negative energy waves associated with the constant rejection of not being hired.
WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE ME?!
These juicy, delicious dreams I had are the running risk of tapering off, dwindling down......
Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive..
But really, what job title allows my 4 year degree and 22 year life journey to be experience enough?
Stay tuned.. -a.
PS.
Contact me if you know the answer ;)
It's like my
hippy dippy,
eat organic,
plant-based,
foods,
go to Farmers Markets
on Sundays,
do yoga,
believe in the
healing
of fresh flowers,
and
the cleansing
of crying
side of me knew I would need to focus on the positive in my time of unemployment distress.
Almost as if I sensed the struggles of being a college graduate with NO experience would be wearying, but with persistence and constructive thoughts pumping there way into the universe, I would become successful.
...But there's this other side:
This
drink coffee everyday,
2 shots of tequila
and a glass of wine
on the weekends
or
sometimes
on a
Wednesday,
indulge in
Fashion Police,
Facebook stalking,
and
gossiping side of me that exists too.
I believe this side is responsible for the consuming negative energy waves associated with the constant rejection of not being hired.
WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE ME?!
These juicy, delicious dreams I had are the running risk of tapering off, dwindling down......
Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive..
But really, what job title allows my 4 year degree and 22 year life journey to be experience enough?
Stay tuned.. -a.
PS.
Contact me if you know the answer ;)
Sunday, September 30, 2012
pumpkin
I usually attempt to post in my blog 2-3x a month but this months posts have dwindled down to only 1...
My initial reasoning to start writing a blog was to track and record my ongoing effort this year in becoming a happier, more content, individual. I've written a lot about myself, from my views on politics, to my never ending battle with the drunchies, to personal shortcomings... But what I haven't done, thus far, is reflect upon it all. Am I a happier, more content, person?
This months focus was supposed to be to Travel :) but guess what?! Life changed course and I didn't spend the month of September backpacking through Europe like I had planned to do way back in January when I was plotting each month's focus in my journey to become a happier human. So as it turns out, I've already completed most of my travels for the year..
From Reno to try snowboarding (which I found to be an unnatural experience.. moving forward while facing sideways...) within the 1st week of 2012 to San Diego at the end of the month to celebrate 1 year with my boyfriend (we stayed in Little Italy. heaven.on.earth). Next, only a short 3 months later, ventures to both London and New York within April. After international travels and Big Apple adventures, it was time for a Graduation/Celebration gift to Tahoe in June. Then things died down for 2 months- time to prepare for a 2 week expedition: From Cali. (home base) to Eugene, OR (organic food everywhere- love!) to Seattle, WA (birthplace of Starbucks. represent.) to Penticton, BC (the Napa of Canada- sold.) to Vancouver, BC (my first beluga whale sighting!) back to Oregon (Portland this time) to Redding, Cal-I-For-Ni-A (picture this: flower wallpaper. zebra sheets. cheetah blankets. green carpets. you have the decor of our hotel room in Redding. delicious.) and finally back home.
My original plans for 2012 have changed- I'm not writing this post from a internet cafe somewhere in Italy, sipping a cappuccino, I'm in my pajamas in my boyfriend's apartment (soon to be our apartment!!!) while he softly snores in bed- but it doesn't matter... Am I happier than I was at the start of 2012? I don't know... I still have 3 months to explore the topic! But I do know I'm happy and content to go crawl into bed, stop the snoring, and wake up tomorrow in October, the best 3 months of the year start tomorrow!*
Stay tuned..-a.
*Tomorrow I will be in full fall bliss. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin carving, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ANYTHING (!!), chilly weather, cozy nights cuddling, scarves and boots... these are a few of my favorite Fall things..
My initial reasoning to start writing a blog was to track and record my ongoing effort this year in becoming a happier, more content, individual. I've written a lot about myself, from my views on politics, to my never ending battle with the drunchies, to personal shortcomings... But what I haven't done, thus far, is reflect upon it all. Am I a happier, more content, person?
This months focus was supposed to be to Travel :) but guess what?! Life changed course and I didn't spend the month of September backpacking through Europe like I had planned to do way back in January when I was plotting each month's focus in my journey to become a happier human. So as it turns out, I've already completed most of my travels for the year..
From Reno to try snowboarding (which I found to be an unnatural experience.. moving forward while facing sideways...) within the 1st week of 2012 to San Diego at the end of the month to celebrate 1 year with my boyfriend (we stayed in Little Italy. heaven.on.earth). Next, only a short 3 months later, ventures to both London and New York within April. After international travels and Big Apple adventures, it was time for a Graduation/Celebration gift to Tahoe in June. Then things died down for 2 months- time to prepare for a 2 week expedition: From Cali. (home base) to Eugene, OR (organic food everywhere- love!) to Seattle, WA (birthplace of Starbucks. represent.) to Penticton, BC (the Napa of Canada- sold.) to Vancouver, BC (my first beluga whale sighting!) back to Oregon (Portland this time) to Redding, Cal-I-For-Ni-A (picture this: flower wallpaper. zebra sheets. cheetah blankets. green carpets. you have the decor of our hotel room in Redding. delicious.) and finally back home.
My original plans for 2012 have changed- I'm not writing this post from a internet cafe somewhere in Italy, sipping a cappuccino, I'm in my pajamas in my boyfriend's apartment (soon to be our apartment!!!) while he softly snores in bed- but it doesn't matter... Am I happier than I was at the start of 2012? I don't know... I still have 3 months to explore the topic! But I do know I'm happy and content to go crawl into bed, stop the snoring, and wake up tomorrow in October, the best 3 months of the year start tomorrow!*
Stay tuned..-a.
*Tomorrow I will be in full fall bliss. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin carving, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ANYTHING (!!), chilly weather, cozy nights cuddling, scarves and boots... these are a few of my favorite Fall things..
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