Ballz to the wall

I had to ask myself how personal I wanted to get before writing this post... I mentioned in my first post that my boyfriend has yet to make me cry (we've been together a year at the end of this month, by the way) and this is still true. He is a stellar human being. But even his awesomeness and my awesomeness ;) combined do not create perfection. This is obvious. No relationship is perfect, but do I want to write about the flaws I bring to it on my Blog? Well, yes.

I've revamped "anything worth doing, is worth doing well." My version: "anything worth doing, is worth doing ballz to the wall." So, ballz to the wall, here is what happened last night:

There are times when I become completely emotionally irrational. Sadly, in these times, nothing can cure, calm, or satisfy the insanity. I have identified this happiness setback in an effort to know thyself better in January.

Boyfriends past and present have had to deal with my unsatisfiable (and maybe unjust?) disposition. Little could be done to appease my miserable mood, but I've still expected an attempt. I would prod and pry for the right combination of words to satisfy my mood. But a secret string of words to brighten my mood didn't, doesn't, exist. If I'm an unsatisfiable mood, I can't be satisfied. It's unfortunate and undesirable but I know it's a part of my reality.

So, last night, after a deeper-than-average-nighttime-conversation about our relationship, when my boyfriend told me, "I won't hurt you," and I was reassured, yes, but still deeply unsatisfied, I decided to simply believe him and go to sleep. Because that's all I could do.

My objective for beginning the conversation was unclear to me; what response was I even looking for? It's unlikely that anything he could have said would have satisfied me but I recognized this. I didn't dig for more answers that would leave me unimpressed. I recognized my mood, put things into perspective, and decided believing him when he said he wouldn't hurt me was good enough. I wasn't satisfied, I couldn't be, but it was good enough. Believing him and falling asleep were my most mature options, so I took them. Know thyself better.

Stay tuned.. -a.