Beginners Luck

After my interview this morning, I made a deal as I was getting on the train that I would only allow a specific amount of time to feel vaguely incompetent and on the brink of tears. I allotted the ride and the bitterly cold walk home to be my window of self-pity. I would not exceed my time. I would not fill my day with distracting negative thoughts of the (it seems) failure my job search has been thus far...

But a short nap, 2 cups of peppermint tea, and a clean kitchen later, it's still with me. I'm still feeling the lingering depressed feelings I promised to leave outside with the cold and I can't help but wonder if I experienced a bit of beginners luck?

I transferred from my community college to San Jose State University relatively easily. I applied to SJSU and SFSU, got into both, and picked San Jose for the better weather. I started the last stretch of earning my degree on a warm August day in 2010. I got into all my classes, never being wait-listed, never having to beg instructors for a spot in their class. I passed every class. I was recognized for my "exemplary academic achievement" multiple times. I was going to be successful.

....Right?

I scored an (paid) internship at a local, well-known non-profit during my last semester. I graduated! I started another (paid) internship while still completing my first one. I was busy. I was on my way. The free coffee? only a bonus. This is what successful people were made of; double internships, planning a huge fundraiser for one and supporting two departments in the other.

And then it was over.

So, I started another internship (yes, paid again).

Three internships perfectly arranged on my resume with matching fonts and bullet points. My name and phone number bolded at the top. A list of accomplishments that make me "special."

"You have to stand out, Ashley" They tell me.

"Why are you the perfect candidate, Ashley?" They ask me.

I'm the perfect candidate because I followed the outlined "life" steps! I went to college and got a degree like everyone has been telling me to do since I learned to spell my own name. I have experience through my internships, all three of them! I got good grades, and letters of recognition, and kind comments on the borders of my essays! I even received an award once, Best Leadership. Want me to bring it in? I have it, I can show you! ....

"Three words to describe you; go."

Three words that describe me, um, let's see; jobless, almost hopeless, and eager. Wait! Hold on, let me figure out how to twist that response into something more appropriate.................

"Why are you interested in our company?"

I'm interested in your company because you came up in my search result: "WHO'S HIRING?"

"Do you have any questions for us?"

Well, yes.. yes, I do. WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN ME?! Look at my polished resume that I've edited 100 times and my perfect 2 inch professional heels. Doesn't my10 minute early arrival already demonstrate my golden work ethic? And all those examples I gave you of overcoming challenges and dealing with deadlines, good stuff right?

Oh, okay, you or someone in HR will get back to me with the next steps in the hiring process? If you think I'm a good fit? Alright, great, thanks. Thanks for your time.

I'll be waiting to hear back.

Stay tuned.. -a.

Even Steven

I am attempting to make somewhat of an effort to stick with this month’s focus of Relationships. I will be posting about the relationship between myself and the entire world. Ok, maybe that’s a tad extreme.  I’ll actually be indulging in writing about my relationship with basically everyone I know.

...Far more intimate than the entire world.

Since I was a young, blonde-haired, green-eyed, “don’t-go-out-past-dark-because-you’re-the-prime-target-for-kidnappers*” little girl, I've had a serious issue with getting the shorter end of the stick. It started all selfless... being more concerned with my mom being taken advantage of than myself.  (I was like, 6 and had no money so I wasn't too concerned about my cash flow dwindling.) 

Being raised my a single mom for the majority of my childhood, I learned how to be resourceful first hand. I watched her and her friends mastermind and beat the system whenever possible. Why buy napkins when you can take extra from McDonald's and bring them home?**

They had tons of schemes of their selves. Once, they combined their money and bought a washer and dryer, which was stored at our house. This meant my mom’s friends would bring their clothes, and their kid’s clothes, over to our house for my mom to do their laundry. They took turns supplying the detergent. So my mom did everyone’s laundry and bought clothes soap every third time. Um, not very fair from my perspective, today and when I was 6. Of course, I spoke my concerns to my mom and of course, being the giving person that she is, she didn't mind. She’s always been generous while I've been board line greedy. 

My selfless, look-out-for-my-mom, attitude soon transcended into constant calculations of what I owe people and what they owe me.

He drove so I’ll buy him coffee.

I paid for the first round, a random guy bought the second… she can pay for the cab home.

Because they drove to my house, I will drive us to the mall.

It’s exhausting, really.

And it’s the spirit of becoming a happier person, what this whole blog is about after all, I've made a huge effort to stop analyzing debts owed and paid between myself and the near and dear.

Besides, it all evens out in the end.... right?

Stay tuned.. –a.

*as my mom would say..
** to this day I still grab a plethora of napkins when I’m granted access to the dispenser... 

sorry i'm not sorry

And now it's November and I forgot to write my third post in October- something I've never done. I've let my posts decrease from 4 a month to 3, I've actively decided to give myself a break and only publish 1 post in September, but I've never just forgot... and yet, I did. Oh well, I'm not sorry.

This months focus is supposed to be on Relationships. I bet, back in January, when I devised The Plan I thought I would write all these great, heartfelt- epic, if you will- posts with epiphanies and "Aha moments" (Oprah shout out) about all the relationships I have encountered and experienced in my life. Or I wanted to write about improving relationships. I probably thought if I could figure out how to type my way to more functional relationships I would be a happier person. That is, after all, what this whole blog is about, right? Me becoming a happier, more content, warmer shade of blue (clam) and lesser shades green (jealousy), red (anger), and hot pink (difficult*) human. But now it is November and I don't have anything epic to write... I don't feel like soul searching and heart digging for the right words to type to convey what I think I've figured out about relationships. Besides, it changes daily and I don’t fully believe writing about it will make me any less of hot pink difficult hue. Whatever, I'm not sorry. 

I’m not sorry because this whole year I’ve been trying to stifle this piece of my persona. This piece that is difficult. This piece that probably drives people closet to me the craziest.  This piece that is............ just a piece. 

Just a piece, a part, of the whole me. 

Yeah, sometimes I get unbelievably cranky over messed up macaroni and cheese** and it spirals my mood to a darker place than I should ever allow mac n’ cheese to take me.. And sometimes it’s not fair that I navigate towards passive aggressive behavior because I’m not ready to get over whatever I'm upset about.. Sometimes I want to stay angry..

“No, nothing is wrong” and “yes, I’m fine.” 

LYING. 

But this is just a piece, this difficult streak. 

...A piece that I can’t change, or even necessarily control, but what about the other pieces? What about the one that sends random letters to friends and relatives just to say hello? Or the one that understands the cleansing of crying and will never tell you to stop, but instead will hold your hand and pour you a glass of Trader Joe’s finest 2 Buck Chuck? And the piece that admits defeat to brother Wrong before letting sister Pride walk in and win? That’s a GOLDEN piece. And there are more! The other golden pieces that have never cheated on a partner or skipped out on work unless seriously sick. And the sliver pieces, less in significance, but still a vital part of the whole! The sliver piece that is always nice to waiters, bus drivers and grocery baggers. The sliver piece that wants to continually do better... That sliver silver that believes in good tipping, second chances, and no judgements. (I say "silver" because sometimes I'm broke, somethings are unforgivable and some people.. you just can't help it.)

It’s all good stuff. 

So now, in November, less than a week before I turn the wise age of 23, I am deciding to concentrate on the whole. I am not defined by one piece- no matter it difficult, sliver, or gold. 

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*I’m not exactly sure of the creditability on that color matching personification, but it works in my head. 

** FYI: some people can taste the difference between making mac n’ cheese with almond milk opposed to regular cows milk, some people cannot. I? I am apart of the people that can.. and I can’t stand it.

Karmas a B----

So how do I stay on her good side?

If karma is the factor in which my past actions directly determine what I deserve in the future, how do I ensure it will be one of thriving success and divine bliss?

This month I am supposed to focus on universal energy in my journey to become a happier person in 2012. I'm asking myself on a semi-regular basis what I am putting out into the world and in what form it will boomerang back to me... How do I square any negative, toxic karma floating around in the world, possibly lurking nearby my fate and potentially stalking my destiny?

So far, I've made a vow to work on my uptight attitude and control my unpleasant tone when I'm feeling irrationally irritated. I'm trying to return emails and voicemails left in and on various boxes without replies. I've seriously considered giving up meat. I saged my house the other day to free any negative energy!* I'm (still*) trying to really be there when I say I'm going to be and not flake.  I'm working on reducing my wine induced gossiping habits. I'm working on eliminating gossiping in general (as of today)!

WILL THESE SMALL, MUNDANE TASKS BRIGHTEN MY FUTURE? Can I pump enough positive into the universe that I will only receive epic goodness in return?!

Ummm.. I'm not too sure but fingers crossed!

Stay tuned.. -a.

*That's right, I prowled my entire living space with a tiny bunch of lit sage, gracefully (..almost gracefully) spreading the smoke throughout each room with a feather, my bare toes carefully avoiding the hot sparks that occasionally fell to the floor.............

*read my previous post, The Flaking Flaw

..aaannd maybe I'm physic

My foreshadowing abilities were on point back in January when I devised The Plan and dubbed this months focus to be one concentrating on Universal Energy.

It's like my
hippy dippy,
eat organic, 
plant-based, 
foods, 
go to Farmers Markets 
on Sundays,
do yoga,
believe in the 
healing 
of fresh flowers,
and
the cleansing 
of crying
side of me knew I would need to focus on the positive in my time of unemployment distress.

Almost as if I sensed the struggles of being a college graduate with NO experience would be wearying, but with persistence and constructive thoughts pumping there way into the universe, I would become successful.

...But there's this other side:

This
drink coffee everyday,
2 shots of tequila
and a glass of wine
on the weekends
or
sometimes
on a
Wednesday, 
indulge in 
Fashion Police,
Facebook stalking,
and
gossiping side of me that exists too.

I believe this side is responsible for the consuming negative energy waves associated with the constant rejection of not being hired.

WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE ME?!

These juicy, delicious dreams I had are the running risk of tapering off, dwindling down......

Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive.. Try to stay positive..

But really, what job title allows my 4 year degree and 22 year life journey to be experience enough?


Stay tuned.. -a.

PS.
Contact me if you know the answer ;)

pumpkin

I usually attempt to post in my blog 2-3x a month but this months posts have dwindled down to only 1...

My initial reasoning to start writing a blog was to track and record my ongoing effort this year in becoming a happier, more content, individual. I've written a lot about myself, from my views on politics, to my never ending battle with the drunchies, to personal shortcomings... But what I haven't done, thus far, is reflect upon it all. Am I a happier, more content, person?

This months focus was supposed to be to Travel :) but guess what?! Life changed course and I didn't spend the month of September backpacking through Europe like I had planned to do way back in January when I was plotting each month's focus in my journey to become a happier human. So as it turns out, I've already completed most of my travels for the year..

From Reno to try snowboarding (which I found to be an unnatural experience.. moving forward while facing sideways...) within the 1st week of 2012 to San Diego at the end of the month to celebrate 1 year with my boyfriend (we stayed in Little Italy. heaven.on.earth). Next, only a short 3 months later, ventures to both London and New York within April. After international travels and Big Apple adventures, it was time for a Graduation/Celebration gift to Tahoe in June. Then things died down for 2 months- time to prepare for a 2 week expedition: From Cali. (home base) to Eugene, OR (organic food everywhere- love!) to Seattle, WA (birthplace of  Starbucks. represent.) to Penticton, BC (the Napa of Canada- sold.) to Vancouver, BC (my first beluga whale sighting!) back to Oregon (Portland this time) to Redding, Cal-I-For-Ni-A (picture this: flower wallpaper. zebra sheets. cheetah blankets. green carpets. you have the decor of our hotel  room in Redding. delicious.) and finally back home.

My original plans for 2012 have changed- I'm not writing this post from a internet cafe somewhere in Italy, sipping a cappuccino, I'm in my pajamas in my boyfriend's apartment (soon to be our apartment!!!) while he softly snores in bed- but it doesn't matter... Am I happier than I was at the start of 2012? I don't know... I still have 3 months to explore the topic! But I do know I'm happy and content to go crawl into bed, stop the snoring, and wake up tomorrow in October, the best 3 months of the year start tomorrow!*

Stay tuned..-a.

*Tomorrow I will be in full fall bliss. Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin carving, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ANYTHING (!!), chilly weather, cozy nights cuddling, scarves and boots... these are a few of my favorite Fall things..

goodnight America

In an effort to achieve this months focus of Letting it Go, I am officially not stressing about not posting 3 complete blogs this month.

Tomorrow is the 1st, my 2 week vacay is coming to an end, and I simply haven't had the time to blog. I've been too busy eating and drinking and watching my boyfriend complete an Iron Man.

Instead of staying up too late tonight (we have to wake up early to score the best breakfast at our hotel, duh) and suffering from a combination of writers block and beer haze, I'm hitting the sheets after posting this short, non-significant blog about me letting go of the fact that I can't blog 3x this month..

GOOD NIGHT AMERICA*

Stay tuned.. -a.

*and any other countries who are reading this delicious blog ;)

pop culture politics

Disclaimer: I am not a political junkie. I rarely participate in debates about “where our country is going...” Partly because it seems like too big of conversation to ever tackle and partly because I simply don’t know much about the political state of this country. 

I do know political conversations are generally taboo. People are either a DEMOCRAT* or a REPUBLICAN.** I know that by some weird default people tend to hate, argue, disagree, and dispute with whatever the opposing party stands for.

I know I’m a fan of Obama... but, admittedly, it’s more of a pop culture infatuation than it is anything political. 

I know friends who talk about politics, complain about politics, but never take action to evoke change. Occasionally, I am guilty of this. 

I know that maybe I’m rambling and you’re probably wondering what.is.the.point, lady?

And my point, coinciding and contradicting with this months focus to Let It Go, is maybe we let it go to an extreme? We talk and talk and talk about what’s wrong but then let it go...We never do anything about it. (Forgive me for generalizing- when I say “we,” I mean the majority. I recognize some people are out there, doing something.) We have intense, heated conversations with our friends and family and then let it go. Moving on to updating our Facebook, the manipulated cyber images that define us, instead of writing letters to political figures. We go out to the bars instead of protesting. We talk without action. We let it go.

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*Peace, Love, and Rainbows

**”Amurica!”

^Am I stereotyping?

Uptight Hippie

Flower in my hair

This months focus, in order to become a more delightful, happier, person, is to let it go.

(Um, this probably should’ve been my main focus since childhood.............) 

Sometimes some people describe me as a “hippie,” and admittedly, some aspects of my persona are hippie-esk.. Like, I’m a hippie as in I have a heart, peace sign, and flower tattooed on my wrist (love, peace, and a flower in my hair.. for those who don’t know). And I’m a hippie as in I have long hair that I rarely straighten, all natural, baby.* I’m a hippie as in the quotes “drop beats, not bombs,” “make love, not war” and (Marley shout out) “get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...don’t give up the fight” make my insides gurgle with ambition to change the world. 

I am NOT a hippie as in I go with the flow of things. 

If there isn’t a plan... I’m not a fan. 

Bar hopping with friends? Who’s driving? (I hope someone volunteers) Are we cabbing it? (If we do, I hope we run into someone sober who will give us a ride home) Heels or no heels? (HEELS! Heels always win) Dinner out or dinner at home? (dinner at home is cheaper.....) What am I going to have for dinner? What am I going to have for lunch?! What am I going to have for breakfast?!! ...How much money is in my checking account? 

..Don’t think for a second that I haven’t had this exact thought-chain-reaction in my crazy little head!

Every decision in my life, down to what underwear I will wear, is thought out, planned out, figured out. 

I could possibly power a small village with the amount of brain activity I have accumulating from constantly formulating my To Do lists...

Today, driving home from work:

“I have laundry on my bed I have to put away and my bed is still unmade because I was too lazy to both put away my laundry last night, so I slept with it, and to make my bed this morning. I will put my laundry away and then make my bed. Then I will make my lunch for tomorrow before I forget. Then I will shred (Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. It’s a bitch) but my heel kind of hurts (pervious injury from dance..) so I’ll ice it while I blog (doing it right now!) because it is already the 7th and I haven’t blogged this month...... Then I will shred, or maybe I’ll do yoga? because my foot really hurts... FOCUS on your To Dos... MAKE A PLAN... FIGURE.IT.OUT. ...or you’ll go crazy..”

Or am I crazy because of my To Do list obsession and addiction to planning?

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*Before you start rumors, I do shave my armpits.

Snapshots

Recent events have made me more aware of the life guidelines I sometimes forget:

The standard advice; love hard, laugh long, and live fully.

My favorite protocol; eat more foods that are plants instead of manufactured in plants, do yoga, and be quick to pour a glass of wine in times of bonding, venting, or on a random Tuesday night. (I might of made the last one up...)

The cliche sayings; "dance like no one is watching," "dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today," etc...

But most importantly, I think, is revisiting, retelling, and reliving the best times you've had in life.

I have an array of my life's sweetest snapshots to reminisce.....

Long trips to Capitola for nothing but coffee and a memory. 

The way Train songs always take me back to jager bombs and bagels at 10 in the morning. And a Bart ride and muni trip ($50 ticket for neglecting to pay included...) to Golden Gate Park for a free concert on a hot day with close friends.

A pitcher of beer, a salad split for two, and cookies to follow, is my  favorite moment from a vacation to San Diego with my boyfriend.

Walks in the rain to get Mexican hot chocolate and Sex and the City reruns was the norm with a favorite friend.

Every Friday night sleepovers Senior year in high school. "Omg. I'm sooo over high school." (Were we really "over it" or is that just what watching Laguna Beach taught us to say?)

Sipping cup after cup of  Trader Joe's earl gray tea, laughing at the quote printed on the teabag, "as long as it's hot and wet and goes down the right way, that's all that matters." -The Dutchess of York 

Sipping Irish coffees in a New York City bar with my mom and friend who recently moved there, chatting, laughing, crying, over life and love.

Learning to ballroom dance in my grandparents living room as a little girl.

Endless summer hours of Truth, Dare, Double Dog Dare, Promise to Repeat (we were intense), Girl Talk and Crash Banicoot, with friends that became sisters.

Sharing a bottle of wine, baguettes, and conversation with my boyfriend's mom on my first day of my first trip overseas.

Later that same day, where the combination of jet lag, vino, and beer, seduced me into a tipsy slumber at a table of a local London pub.

Camping for my first time, in the rain, with braver than average raccoons. And driving 30 minutes into "town" for coffee in the morning, because really, if you can, why not?

Reading my favorite book, Heart of the Matter, every Fall.

My only college field trip to The Pinnacles, with my passionate geology teacher and best friend. (If only we could all have the passion for anything the way she has for rocks..)

A night in Berkeley that continued into a day in San Francisco, wearing the same dresses the whole time because the moment and the adventure was more important than our double day outfits, with another best friend.

Every second of New York, Boston, and Washington D.C. with the same best friend.

And so on, and so on, and so on...

Occasionally, my mind wonders to the highlights of my existence while I'm driving, but it should happen more. I  should let songs take me back to different, simpler, times. I  should go on  memory lane binges with close friends as often as possible. I want to frequently indulge in past vacation memories and the untainted experiences you can only have during childhood.

I want my favorite snapshots to be a constant reminder of how lucky in life and love I am. Shouldn't we all?

Stay tuned.. -a.

are you ready for this?

As promised in my last post, I'm writing about my opinions on marriage, tattoos, living in a zoo, and politics.

Are you ready for this?

Marriage:
There are many contraindication and confusions about this social obligation spinning around in my head. On one hand, haven't I wanted to get married and have my big day since I was a little girl??? 
...But on the other, do I need a big day, a white dress, a wedding cake (red velvet), and a piece of paper to validate my undying love?

I struggle between the two.

Is the dress, the tuxes, and toasts, the walk down the aisle and the first dance, the tipsy crying and laughing, hugging and loving, the overall the sparkling feeling of being a bride a necessary part in the plot of my life? Does the party and the piece of paper make the permanency of marriage concrete? Do I even believe in the permanency and the context of forever that marriage offers? What if instead of "until death do us part.." it's "until we're not happy anymore, but we promise to try really, really hard to stay happy?" 

Can I do that? 

Because what if marriage is like a diet* and the more you tell yourself 'YOU CAN'T EAT THE CHOCOLATE CAKE," the higher your chances are of finishing the whole thing?! However, if you have the option to eat the cake, there's less pressure. It's not as good because it's not forbidden. 

What if I can't handle the pressure of promising forever? 

Then I just shouldn't get married, right? Wrong. I do want a wedding. I want to pick out a wedding dress with my best friends and hide it from my finance. I want to go venue hunting and food tasting. I want toasts and tears congratulating me and my future husband. Most importantly I want everyone I love to witness my testimony of love... for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, yes (!), of course (!!), but until death do us part.............

I'm going to go eat a whole chocolate cake now.

Moving on with the forever phobe theme... My opinions on tattoos:

I read a quote once: "The only difference between a person with tattoos and a person without tattoos, is the person with tattoos doesn't care if the other has tattoos or not."

It's accurate. 

That being said, the way I felt after getting my first tattoo is probably how I will feel the day after my wedding. I love my tattoo (I'll love my husband). I adore my tattoo (I'll adore my husband). I wouldn't want another tattoo inked permanently into my skin (I don't know how to translate this one..) but forever is forever, and it's a really long time...

Being an animal living in the zoo:

I would be the lazy lion that lapped up the attention and loved the food delivery system.

Politics:
There should be little profit in politics. Politicians should have a teachers salary and teachers should have politicians.

Stay tuned.. -a.

*Hear me out!

Unconventional Hobbies

This month’s focus was determined to be about getting a hobby. After consideration, I’ve decided I don’t need to get a new, conventional, hobby; like photography or mountain biking. I am satisfied with my own spin on the hobby front. 

My hobbies include, but are not limited to:

Reading. Nothing too serious. I mostly read Chick Lit. but in a generation that’s main reading material consists of FB status updates and tweets, I’m proud of it. I’m currently reading Stori Telling by Tori Spelling. I told you, nothing too intellectual but at least I’ve read more than my friend’s current locations via their check-ins.. just saying.

Writing this Blog. Duh. Who knows how many people actually read my rants? but I have the end goal of printing (and maybe laminating?) my 12 Months of Happiness in 2012 blog posts and neatly organizing them into special binders, then lovingly labeling them to give out as Christmas presents.* My family can’t wait. 

Reading, stealing, or taking pictures of healthy recipes. Of course, I rarely attempt to cook these low-cal, veggie packed concoctions but that doesn’t phase me. I still get a rush when I see A Two Week Meal Plan in Women’s Health magazine. I’ll rip it out or snap a quick pic of it** and that’s usually where the process stops. Most likely, if I was a “normal” person, with “normal” hobbies, I would stay on the recipe adventure. I would actually go to the store to buy the ingredients (or as it plays out in my fantasy life, I would journey to my magical backyard, where I also do yoga 3x a week, and pick the ingredients out of my homegrown, organic garden). Then I would actually make/try the recipe! But cooking isn’t my hobby. Collecting healthy recipes and never doing anything with them is! 

I also enjoy everything about my Planner. Most people rely on technology to help them keep track of their appointments, anniversaries and loved one’s birthdays. I do not. Literally one of my favorite things about a new year is a new Planner. (And yes, I keep them years after they’re out of rotation. I can tell you the exact date of my bi-annual dentist appointments in 2008). I love the blank pages waiting to be marked up with my black ink. My anticipation of organizing my coffee dates, parties, weekends away, and even work times, is abundant. I write everyone’s birthdays in colorful pens and special symbols on Holidays; Fireworks on 4th of July, a turkey on Thanksgiving, Christmas Trees and tiny Santa’s on Christmas eve/day, a little heart on every 30th of every month...*** And the excitement doesn’t end with the important dates written in and the prospect of future plans to be written out, it continues every day as I open my Planner to see how scheduled and busy and wonderful my daily life is. There are things crossed out, whited out, with happy faces or sad ones. There are arrows from one day to the next that represent my procrastinating tendencies and money signs for my weekly budgets. There are countdowns for weeks or days of school or interning left. There are goal workout counts written weekly and then slashed through.****I spend a solid chunk of the year with my cherished Planner. It’s a personal hobby to look through it, plan with it, and discuss it’s contents throughly, even if the conversations are only with myself.. in my own head.. ok, ok, sometimes out loud.......... 

Another hobby, or something I regularly enjoy to do, is giving people my opinions on shit that probably doesn't matter. I might actually listen to theirs, if I find them extra interesting, in which case I would say conversing may be a hobby, but it's rare that I'm not thinking of the next thing I'm going to say and just listening...

In my next post, I will creatively write about my opinions on marriage, tattoos, why I would want to live in a Zoo (if I were an animal), and possibly politics.. Bet you can hardly wait. 

Stay tuned.. -a.  

*Along with a 2013 custom made calendar of your truly. 

**These pictures double as entertaining reading material later. Two hobbies, one stone.

***01/30 = my anniversary, 02/30.. doesn’t exist, 03/30 = 1 year, 2 months, etc.. 

****Just kidding, sometimes I actually do them and put a star instead of a slash.

stop admitting your an asshole

I've encountered different personalities in my sporadic life, from million dollar babysitting clients to drunk girls in bar bathrooms. I can handle, even get along with, most people I meet. There may be minor differences but rarely anything that makes me question their identity or worry* about their existence on earth... unless you're the self-proclaimed "stubborn" type.

Except if you've been isolated from everyday society, you're stubborn. All American?** people are stubborn because we’re all difficult. No of us want to do something we don’t.want.to do or to be proven wrong. We are determined to do things our way, the right way. It's ingrained in our social existence to be the “special,” stubborn, self-worthy creatures that we are. 

Don’t pretend like you’re not one of these people, because you are. I am. Everyone is. Since birth we’re bombarded with this magical idea that we’re rare and worthy. We’re taught to be entitled and we fall for it, believe it, and live it.

Oh, American baby, so cute, so precious. SO ORIGINAL!!! 

...Just like everyone else.

Being stubborn in it of itself is slightly annoying, but whatever, the stubbornness aspect isn’t the personality trait that worries me. Besides, we're all stubborn biatches, remember? It is the questionable character who reps being a “stubborn” individual aka an asshole that seriously irks me out...

By definition to be stubborn is to be difficult. WHY ARE YOU BE PROUD OF BEING DIFFICULT?!?!?!?!?

You freak.

There's the girl in the dysfunctional relationship, "he won't call me back because he's just as stubborn as I am.  I'm suppppperrr stubborn." You're an annoying, difficult individual.  

There's the bro-dude, "I'm stubborn so I don't do anything  I don't want to do." You're a cocky, difficult deadbeat. 

If you are a self proclaimed "stubborn" piece of work, PLEASE stop. Stop being proud of being stubborn. Stop using it as a personality strength. Everyone is stubborn. You're not special. And, hello, it's not even a good trait. 

PLEASE STOP ADMITTING YOUR AN ASSHOLE!

Thx.

Stay tuned.. -a 

*This months focus, remember? Admittedly this post is loosely related but continue reading anyway.

**Maybe other countries have other worrisome personality traits and don’t deal with self-proclaimed “stubborn” assholes? I don’t know because I’ve spent the last 22 years here, not there.

worrier

Reflecting on my everyday life, and this months focus Why Worry?, I realize I worry all the FREAKIN' time! It's consuming, draining, and probably a form of OCD... but I can't cure it! My thoughts creep to horrible places if I let them, and sometimes even if I try to stop them they still claim victory. 

Those stealth little suckers..

I've had troubles falling asleep my entire life. "Stop thinking Ashley and go.to.SLEEP" my mom would say on the 3rd, 4th, 5th time she would check on me. 

It still haunts me. I can't fall asleep without a solid 20 minute think/worry sesh. And now, with a little "life experience" and a lot of late-night-how-fucked-up-is-our-world-really?-news watching, worrying has crept it's way into my thoughts before bed and intertwined itself into my everyday existence. 

If I need to talk to someone and they don't answer their phone, I freak. In reality, my loved ones are probably being functional human beings and don't need their phone attached to them every.second.of.the.day* but my mind wonders to the dark places if their phone rings its way to voicemail too many times. I have obsessively called my grandparents in the late hours of the night until they answer, just so I know they are safely tucked in bed (despite the fact that I abruptly woke them from their slumbers with my consistent phone calls).

"Sorry I woke you. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE SAFE! &Now that I've talked to you and you're awake......... I can finally sleep. Goodnight." 

Word to the wise: don't ignore me if you want to be left alone. 

I'll keep calling.

I'll be worried about you.. so ANSWER your phone and let me know that you are OKAY!** 

Also, remember to always have enough gas in your car to get home because what if there is a disaster and you have to make it home to your family (you do have a meeting place established for all fam members in case such an event occurs, right?! And an out of area contact you'll all call to assure everyone of your survival!) but you run out of gas half way to your designated meeting area and there are riots breaking out and you don't have enough gas...... You have to have enough gas.. And water! Don't forget about that precious H20 that will be the first thing people start killing over. HAVE SPARE WATER! And a land line! So you can call your out of area contact when the disaster hits because all cell phones will be obsolete and you have to assure people, your people, of your survival...

..or they'll worry..

Orrrr will everything be okay, weather you worry or have the impeccable power not to?

Does worrying ward off the dreadful woes of life? Is it a special pass that allows you to sneak through the lows life brings you unharmed and unfazed? Like if you concentrate all your energy worrying, somehow The Universe will divert disaster for you? Because you've suffered enough. You're a worrier after all...

Stay tuned.. -a. 

*I am not one of these.. I love my phone. It makes me a better, smarter individual. 

**Are you creeped out?

Girl Strong

Half way through the year and I am still blogging. Yes, my posts have slipped from the original 4 a month to only 3 but at least it is better than 2? This month’s focus is Why Worry? I think when I devised “The Plan” containing each months focus back in January, I assumed I would be stressed/ teetering on the break of depression due to my non-existent life plan/ a little worried about what comes next? What to do when one (finally) graduates college? What identify shifts have taken place during your expensive 4 (in my case, 5) year college experience?

Well, here I sit, a graduate; and though there may be some lurking fears of what my next move in life should be, I know I’m definitely not worried about my identity. A huge part of that identity: being a girl.

I’m not worried about being a girl in the “real world”. I’ve learned how powerful, magical, and downright awesome it is to be a girl. In fact, I love being a girl.

I love that I can feel things openly and honestly. I don’t have to hide behind a society driven, gender based idea that showing emotion is a sign of “weakness.” Wait, what? Showing emotion, to me, is a sign of humanness and I’m down with the human thing.  Maybe I’m ahead of the times?

I love that I can cry.

I love that my mom never told me to hold my tears, but the opposite; to let them all out. To let every consuming, frustrating emotion out in the form of tears because if not, they can turn toxic, kept in, locked up, wrapped within, suffocating inside you.

I love my boney shoulders and my thighs THAT TOUCH more every day because they are my own interpretation of the beautiful female body.

I love that I have the independence to take care of myself but the trust to confine in a boyfriend who helps. A boyfriend who brings out the best in me (most days..) but deals with the worst.

I love that I have the confidence to admit I have bad days and the vitality to know that’s okay.

And that it’s okay not to hide the fun parts of being a girl. So what if I take longer to get ready? Look at my long fluttering eye lashes, that I applied at least 4 different types of mascara to, and swoon. I love it. I love my too-high heels and red lipstick on Girls Night Out. I love my long hair that some people admire and others hate. It’s okay to love things that make you girly.

And it’s also okay that I will never be able to run as fast, swim as hard, or lift as much as the average guy. It is okay because I’m not worried about being a girl, remember?

Being a girl gives me my own strengths. Strengths that I am not worried about ever becoming irrelevant or unnecessary. Actually I think the opposite will happen. I’m not worried that Girl Strengths won’t, one day, be recognized for the vital human attributes that they are.*

Stay Girl Strong.                                                                                                                                                  Stay tuned.. –a.

*& I’m down with the human thing, remember? ;)

commitment phobe?

Summer days of tanning oil and nights of illegal drinking have been long gone. My responsibilities  extended past eat, pool, drink, sleep, repeat when I started college.  I worked through summer vacations during my college years, but my summer schedule changed every year. In fact, my life schedule changed every 3-4 months. With each new semester came new classes, new days I babysat, and new people in my life. I loved it. Each semester was like a new mini chapter in my pretty little life. I took things that worked (ie: later classes) and left things that didn't (ie: early classes) from the previous semester and applied it to the next. My life was constantly changing, constantly evolving. It never had time to get boring.

But.. what now?

The rest of my life is wide open for Bore Fest USA. I'll be expected to have a consistent schedule for longer than 3-4 months. I'll be a slave to structure. Nothing will change. The baristas at one specific Starbucks will begin to know me and my order (Grande Iced Coffee w/2 pumps of White Mocha, a splash of half&half, with whip cream*). I'll become a "regular with the complicated order" instead of the status I currently obtain, "chick with the complicated order," at Starbucks all around the Bay Area.  I'll have a scheduled time to do yoga instead of sitting on my ass for 6 months because I am one of those all-or-nothing annoying people. If I can't fully commit to yoga 3x a week, why do it at all? Wait. This is a positive thing about having a consistent, structured life.............. my next post..................

So.. where am I now?

My summer vacations are vanishing all together. I will probably be taking out piercings before getting  new ones. Thoughts of permanency and judgements that would come from getting another tattoo will keep me awake at night. 10PM will soon become late. While 10AM will be time for my mid-morning snack, instead of the time I used to sleep in until. I'll have to get used to people telling me when to be at work. I'll have to be in the same place, with the same people, for 8 hours a day, for a large number of days. I will run the risk of becoming bored with my thus far, pretty little (lively due to constant change) life, and honestly, I'm freakin'** out.


Stay tuned.. -a.





*I love you Kasey ;)

**freakin' vs. freaking. I debated for about 2 minutes..

San Jose.. The new Big Apple?

I've discovered it is important to take the opportunity to love the places you spend the most time in.  It just adds to your overall happiness, automatically worth it. 

I’ve never dealt well with change. I had my mom walk me to my locker the first weeks of middle school. I cried the first days of high school. I toughened up (a little bit) when I started community college. I didn’t need my mom to walk me to my classes and I didn’t cry. I was doing good. &then she told me we were moving... to Redwood City. About a 20 minute drive from San Mateo, not a big deal. A normal, well-adjusted human could have handled this without a worry.  I, on the other hand, could not get used to my new life in Redwood City. I remember making my mom drive past the Trader Joe’s close to our house, and take me to the one in my old hood. I would tell people I “only slept” in Redwood City but I lived in San Mateo. I still went to school there, worked there, and all my friends were there. 

I eventually came around, started to actually like Redwood City, and even claimed it as my place of residency. I love my little Audrey Hepburn inspired room and I can spend hours on my triple-mattress high bed. I (used to, before I became a lazy sack..) walk up the hill by my house and revel in the beauty of the neighborhood. I’m a frequent at the coffee shop down the street. I’ve transferred pharmacies and don’t dread spending time in our local Trader Joe’s. I’ve accepted my happy life in Redwood City, home. 

But now I’m spending more time even farther down south, San Jose. I go to school there. (I did cry on my first day at State but because I couldn’t find the shuttle stop, not because I couldn’t adjust!) My boyfriend and some friends live down there. My internship is located in the sunny southern city. As mentioned in previous posts, in an effort to justify my lack of physical movement this semester, I walk to my internship from SJSU. Twice a week I walk through the  streets of San Jose. I walk by the homeless people on the corner and behind the busy men and women in their fancy work clothes. I know the oneway streets and J walk when I’m late (everyday). I run across the Light-rail tracks and know where my bank’s ATM is located. I get a rush on the streets on San Jose that I’ve only felt in New York City. 

I visited the Big Apple for the first time when I was 18 and I fell in-love. I wanted to live there. I had to live there one day! I’ll never forget my first experience in New York. I won’t forget my pulse quickening as I stepped off the airport shuttle onto 5th Avenue or the little girl excitement that overcame  me as I walked through Central Park. I won’t forget the simple moment when I spilt a scone and coffee with one of my best friends, and favorite travel buddy, in Greenwich, or the delicious cupcakes we had in a park. Food tasted better there. Life moved at the pace I wanted it to. I was addicted. I had to come back...

And then I did, a few weekends ago, and my dire obsession with moving to New York had faded. The city was fun, but it wasn’t my city. The city didn’t offer me the same life shattering thrills as it had 4 years earlier. The city was the same, but I had changed. 

I still love New York and will continue to visit. I’ll treasure and rave about my traveling days to city that never sleeps but in the end, I want to sleep and live in my cities. My Redwood City and my San Jose. I’ve grown to love these places. 

&Maybe I would grow to love New York City one day too, but I havne’t grown to adapt yet... so for now, San Jose is my new Big Apple. 

Stay tuned.. -a. 

Taken Opportunity

May’s focus involved realizing who I know. It's not what you know, it's who you know, right? 

Current opportunities have proved this to be true in my life. I am interning for a great non-profit right now and start a summer internship with a technology company next month. Did I mention both internships are paid?! Life is good, but I don't feel like writing about my connections for the next month. Therefore, I'm slightly changing the focus. This month will now be about capitalizing on opportunity.

5 years ago I was a semester deep into community college. I didn't have a job, besides random babysitting gigs, and I wasn't necessarily looking for one. I was completely content with walking to school everyday (I lived close and didn't have a car), coming home to the cozy apartment I shared with my mom (rent free lifestyle), and alternating between napping and catching up on hours of Friends and SNL stored on my DVR. 

Along with living a complete lax life, one of my best, most epic, friendships had just begun. We met in dance class on both of our first days of college. I can still remember the early, carefree days of our friendship, getting to know each other through adventures to the City and strolls around school. The time we took the train South instead of North, but it didn’t matter because we had no where to be anyway. Our endless days of sleepovers and endless hours of conversations. Our constant contact because life was still simple. I not only became close to her but her aunt, uncle, and new baby cousin, whom she lived with, became a significant part of my life as well. 

Her aunt was 9 months pregnant the first time I met her. The next time I saw her, she had an adorable baby boy in her arms. I remember sitting in their living room revealing in the preciousness of new life, when she asked me if I was looking for a part-time babysitting job. There I sat, not exactly partaking in the job hunt, but I said yes to the opportunity anyway. 

I started babysitting for their family within the next two months and stayed for two years. A year into babysitting for them, they had another baby. A girl this time. I was honored to stay with both children. Around this time I also started working for another family. I would pick up an older girl from school and drive her to various activities. My babysitting “career” was expanding and it has continually grown. I work for an average of 3 families a week now, ranging from 2 to 3 babysitting jobs a day. 

It has been a good 5 years because I capitalized on an opportunity. I have been able to travel to San Diego over a dozen times, New York, Boston, Washington DC, London, and Hawaii with the money and flexibility babysitting gives me. I buy coffee from Starbucks everyday of my life. I own my own car. I am able to go on adventures and buy magical things. Best of all I’m graduating with a BA in Communication at the end of the month.

It’s a pretty little life.

Stay tuned.. -a. 

red velvet

As previous mentioned, this is not the greatest month to focus on getting fit. 

I’m on a flight to New York and I just consumed a giant red velvet cupcake, my absolute favorite sweet treat. This actually has nothing to do with the topic of this post, but it’s such a posh scenario, I was too tempted to share. The real deal involves my everlasting commitment to remaining totally inactive. 

I’ve done yoga twice this month! Twice a week used to be a mediocre excuse for preferred hours of practice. That said, it’s not like I’m sitting on the couch, munching on potato chips instead of doing sun salutations. I’m busy with school, graduating, my internship (which I walk to BTW), dinners, parties, drinks with friends, dates with my boyfriend, writing, and Farmer’s Market adventures. I’m busy with living. Is this a valid excuse? Maybe not for some. But it is for me, for now. 

It’s my last semester of college! Soon I’ll have a 9-5 (fingers crossed!), a scheduled pretty little life and appropriated allotted amounts of time to get fit. Maybe I’m delusional but it seems like it will be a whole lot easier to designate time and energy to namaste when my life isn’t so sporadic. But right now it’s chaotic and I’m reveling in it. I’m enjoying traveling to another continent for five days and New York for the weekend. I’m savoring my tiny pieces of heaven disguised as delectable red velvet cupcakes. I’m sake bombing and staying up late. In less than a month I’ll be graduating and experiencing a lifestyle change. Until then I’m doing all things lazy and crazy instead of downward dog.

Stay tuned.. -a. 

Attempt #2

It’s hard to Get Fit, and even harder to get back into the habit of actually tackling this months focus. It’s now two weeks into April and I can’t say I’ve done a whole lot to achieve my Get Fit goal. I was throw back into the craziness of life when I returned from overseas travel on Tuesday and have yet to roll out my yoga mat. I honestly thought I would do something in the U.K. but aside from London sightseeing, aka walking around the entire day, and getting down on the dance floor at the wedding I attended, I did squat.

Despite my lack of movement on foreign soil, and my abundant consumption of vino, I don’t feel bad. It was a stellar time and I’m glad not a second of it was wasted on the regular, non-vacay, task of exercising. However, now that I’m home, I have to face the reality that my priorities have slightly shifted. While last semester, I would wake up at the crack to do yoga before class, I now opt for an extra hour of shut eye. Currently, in my few spare hours, maintaining contact with girlfriends over coffee or cocktails is more important than pilaties. Walking my 40 minute route, even if it is raining, is a lost concept to me.

Consequently, I can barely touch my toes when I used to have the flexibility to rest my palms on the floor. So, yes, life has been insane with goodness as of recent and I don’t dare complain, but it’s time to get real and for real Get Fit in the last 2 weeks of April.

Stay tuned.. -a.

Girl look at that body... I (used to) work out

This months focus is to Get Fit. I obviously wasn't thinking about conflicting travel plans when I decided what each months focus would be. I am leaving for London in 2 days for a week and then traveling to New York for a weekend at the end of the month. It is going to be a challenge to Get Fit this month but I'm determined.

I consider myself a mediocre yogi. I'm not crazy flexible, I don't understand meditation, and I don't shop at Lululemon*. But I am pretty flexible, I understand the importance of breathing throughout my practice, and I can't deny living in yoga pants for the greater part of the past 5 years. I've been practicing since I was 18. I've attended weekly classes at my community college, taken advantages of monthly deals and Groupons, and have no shame in rolling out my yoga mat in the living room for a quick yoga sesh with Fitness TV on OnDemand.

Towards the end of November last year I tried bikram yoga. A local studio had a 30 Days for 30 Dollars deal going on. I think I made it to 5 classes before I came down with the flu. I believe bikram yoga gave me the flu. I may be biased when I say this yoga practice caused me illness, but sweaty people cramped into a tiny, hot ass, germ invested studio doesn't sound sanitary to me.

I spent the last week of November with shakes, sweats, aches, chills, fever, and up chuck. It was possibly the worst week of my life. (Background information: in my 22 years of this lifetime, I have never had the flu before this awful, dreadful week.) I have attended 3 yoga classes since this week from hell. That's right. You read right. I've spent a full 4.5 hours (each class was an hour and a half) getting fit in the past 4 months! This is not okay.

From January's focus, Know Thyself, I know that I don't mesh well with drastic changes. From February's focus, Deal w/Food Noise, I've learned that if I have a plan to "only eat this and none of this" I feel pressured and end up eating all of everything. Add in this months travels, and there is no way I can commit to a scheduled Get Fit agenda. Therefore, I have a tentative plan to do something physical for at least 45 minutes every other day. This might seem like small exercising goals to some, like my boyfriend who is training for an Iron Man (sexy man), but for me it seems perfect. I have no desire to run a marathon, loose weight, or look like a Victoria's Secret model. (Third one is a lie but I'm not tall enough anyway...) My focus to Get Fit is to stay healthy.

Yesterday, I did absolutely nothing. Today, I have already walked about 2 miles around San Jose, from school to Starbucks, back to school and then to my internship. I am planning on doing a short yoga sesh (maybe 20 minutes?) after dinner. Hopefully I can continue my Get Fit focus in another country.

What exercises can be done on a 11 hour flight...?

Stay tuned.. -a.

*But wouldn't a true yogi bypass the trendy, overpriced yoga wear and practice in chemical free, undyed clothing? Something to debate.

They know me

Its sad to think of my lost contact with friends over the years. Friends who knew me so deeply that such a connection can only exist through spending significant amounts of time together. Friends whose lives were intertwined with mine, our daily schedules affecting each others routines. Friends who recognized small things I didn't even realize about myself. Like the (annoying) sipping sound I make EVERY TIME after I sip a Jamba Juice. Or that I always leave shreds of cotton balls in my Vaseline from taking off my makeup. And that I scoot down to the bottom of the bed mid sleep, waking up near my friends feet instead of her head.

Some of these lost connected friends know beauty secrets and products you couldn't pay me to dish about. But they know. They know because they used to get ready with me every weekend.

They know I talk in my sleep and can have a stubborn streak. They know all the boys who've made me cry and the inside jokes that make me laugh. They've heard my stories and know my habits. Parts of my life have been sewed with theirs. We share our own collection of tales from the past but rarely see each other in the present.

One friend who moved away knows about "The Monsters" because she was there with me on my 19th birthday when I had a horrible case and we dubbed it that. That horrible feeling when your nervous and anxious and shaky and you can't really figure out why. It almost feels like butterflies.. But then you realize they must be butterflies on crack or some shit because you're tweaking out.. These are "The Monsters." ...Maybe you still don't even understand what they are but whenever I get a dreaded case of The Monsters, I text this friend, thousands of miles away, and she knows. She still knows.

So even though I flake all the time and it's still a work in progress for me to know what I mean and to mean what I say... even though I've lost touch with these people who used to be my people because of location, or simply because of time, they still know.

Stay tuned.. -a.

Reasons it is Okay to Flake

Flaking hasn't been much of a concern lately but maybe that's because I've been too busy to make many plans. Or maybe I am learning to know what I mean and mean what I say.

A few Fridays ago I invited a friend, who I haven't seen in months due to both of our flaky habits, out for a night of bar hopping. It started to rain later in the day and being tipsy on heels in wet weather never sounds too appealing to me so I decided to change plans. Moment of growth: I remembered to tell him I wasn't going out before he called me asking what time I would be ready.

More growth: I made dinner plans last Wednesday but really thought about how high the possibility of me bailing was before I committed. It was low. Wednesday rolled around and I followed through. I even cooked for the event! Turns out quinoa pizza bites aren't as delicious as real pizza but the first batch was passable and the second was almost considered good. (Tip for the inexperienced chef like myself, extra cheese makes everything better.) After dinner we ventured to the hot tub armed with cold beers.

Possible setback: The bad weather continued and so did my lack of motivation to go out. Last Saturday I had to babysit but made plans to stop by a birthday bash when I got off. I ended up getting off later than I was supposed to and it was stormy out. I didn't make it to the birthday party. Is bad weather an excuse for an absence?

This makes me wonder, what does qualify as a legitimate reason to cancel?

My rationale for Reasons it is Okay to Flake are as follows:

1. The weather sucks

2. I have an essay due on Monday and didn't read the required length... now I have 2 days (instead of the 2 weeks my professor gave me) to write 10 pages.

3. Pretty much anything family related. Sorry friends..

4. I have an opportunity to make money aka babysit.

5. Something better came up. (Kidding! I'm not the shameless..)

6. I don't want to drive.

7. Being in bed just sounds better.

8. I don't actually like you that much and I agreed because I felt corned.

9. I was drunk when we made plans.

10. There is a marathon of reality TV deliciousness on.

My justification for flaking are, admittedly, pretty loose but remember I am really trying to know what I mean and mean what I say so I'm not tempted to bail.

Stay tuned.. -a.

And the winner is...

& I just flaked.. again.

I'm flaking on dinner with friends tomorrow night, I flaked on movie night yesterday and I'm flaking on day drinking in celebration St. Patrick's Day this Saturday! This weeks constant cancellations aren't because I don't feel like going out but because I'm choosing to work. I babysit to make money. I make my own hours so they can be random and last minute at times. They can also collide with social plans I already have and then I'm left with a choice, work or play?

I wish I could take 100% pride in choosing work most of the time* but the fact is I don't know if I'm always making the right choice. Yes, I need to make money and yes, I make money by providing a service that is unpredictable (I can have four babysitting jobs in a single day or have zero for four weeks..) but is it a valid excuse for disregarding my social commitments? Is it okay for babysitting jobs to be written in pen while dinners, movies, and coffee dates with friends are written in pencil, easily eared with the name of a child and a corresponding time inked in its place?

I struggle in finding the balance between making money while babysitting and spending time with friends. Work vs. play. Survival vs. sanity. Both equally vital to life, so why does work always win?

Stay tuned.. -a.

*read: all of the time... unless I'm out of town or it's some one's birthday.

The Flaking Flaw

March. Know What You Mean, Mean What You Say.

My name is Ashley, and I'm a flake.

Copious amounts of stress will be lifted from my life if I can master this months resolution. I have a nasty little habit of making plans without really committing to them. If you are a close friend, or even an acquaintance, I've probably made plans with you and then flaked on you.

It's not that I mean to be a flaky friend. It's just with the combination of my inability to say no to social events and my contradicting home-body persona, the end result, more often than not, is a cancellation. I let my excitement get the better of me and agree to every.plan.ever. In the moment, I want to do it. I want to do it all! But fast forward a week, a day, or sometimes even an hour, and my excitement has drained. Next thing I know I'm dialing and praying for voicemail to inform the victim of my reckless planning habits that I can't* go out.

It's becoming tiresome for me, and I'm sure annoying for my friends, so this month I will learn how to know what I mean, and mean what I say. I won't let my enthusiasm for future events sway me if I'm not 100% sure it sounds better than staying in bed and watching Bethenny, Newlyweds (remember Nick and Jessica?!), Jersey Shore, or any other reality TV on DVD I own. I will commit to keeping plans instead of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Stay tuned.. -a.

*Read, don't want to